Kevin Spacey Keeps Turning to Non-Existent Camera to Give His Side of Things

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Actor Kevin Spacey repeatedly turned to a non-existent camera to deliver powerful monologues, explaining the dynamics at play during a public apology for an alleged sexual advance on then-14-year-old Anthony Rapp in 1986, sources confirmed.

“The allegations against Spacey are very troubling. Nothing can excuse behavior like that,” said reporter Gregory Welch. “But, I mean, this whole breaking-the-fourth-wall thing is really taking me out of the apology. And that voice he’s doing… what accent is that, exactly?”

The 58-year-old star of screen and stage was unphased by the gathered media.

“I am deeply sorry to Mr. Rapp. This must have been a drunken regret of my younger years,” Spacey said, before shifting away from the microphones and affecting his voice to evoke the Southern politician he played on the popular Netflix series House of Cards. “When a man has a light peeked upon his indiscretions, that man must obscure the frame with a light of his own. If a man is accused of a dreadful, despicable act, he must seize this opportunity — to show himself to be the true victim.”

Witnesses report that, following the sudden break, Spacey turned back to his previous disposition to continue his sincere apology.

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“I understand that actions come with consequences, and thus ends my time as Frank Underwood — a time I will always cherish,” Spacey said, before pivoting again and re-adjusting his accent. “When a man is born in a closet, and eats and breathes and sleeps in a closet, is he even aware there is a closet? Or is he stuck within the prison of the unknown? If but a few souls must be crushed to open that closet door… who is to judge the man yearning to live free?”

Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said the streaming platform will ensure that stars of its programs will avoid any potential public relations disasters.

“We’ve already rounded up all the kids from Stranger Things and have them locked in an underground bunker, where they will have no chance of possibly harassing anyone,” said Hastings. “And all future Netflix originals will only star actors born and raised in our state-of-the-art Netflix laboratory. I swear to god, if something happens with Neil Patrick Harris, I’m going to lose my mind.”

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Article by Goodrich Gevaart @GoodrichGevaart.


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