VANCOUVER, B.C. — Nardwuar the Human Serviette took the stand today as the key witness in the murder trial of Canadian musician Carl McMillen, a.k.a. “Fat Charlie,” whose life was tragically cut short by a deranged madman.
Clara Smith, head prosecutor for the case, sought Nardwuar’s testimony knowing he had an encyclopedic knowledge of every musician, living or deceased.
“Mr. Nardwuar, a well-known expert on any musician he interviews, spoke with the late Mr. McMillen a few months before he was murdered,” Smith told reporters outside the courthouse. “In prepping for the trial, Mr. Nardwuar noticed things we would never have in pictures from the crime scene, like a Rick James album on the turntable — Mr. Nardwuar knew Fat Charlie never listened to Rick James. It was clear someone was listening to Super Freak while they cleaned up their mess.”
Patrick Simmons and his defense team were initially unfazed by what he called a “publicity stunt on behalf of the prosecution.”
“The guy goes by ‘human serviette.’ What exactly is that, anyway? No jury is going to take this man seriously,” said Simmons during a court recess. “This isn’t one of his Youtube videos, this is real life. And, come on… how can they let him wear that hat in a courtroom? It seems disrespectful.”
Reports from inside the courtroom, however, showed Nardwaur consistently had the defense on their heels with his testimony.
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“[Simmons] was at a loss,” said court stenographer Matt Avers. “Nardwuar knew literally everything about Fat Charlie. What he was wearing that night, what he was listening to, what he ate for dinner… everything! Including that William Greentree stabbed him with a Shun Classic kitchen knife, which McMillen received in a set as a gift from his record label.”
In an unprecedented display, however, Nardwuar was later held in contempt of court for refusing to leave the witness stand until Judge Simmons said “Doot doo!” into a microphone Nardwuar had taped to his leg and snuck into the courtroom.