20. Rivers Cuomo
Knitters come in all shapes and sizes. There’s just something about Rivers that seems like knitting would be his thing. And yeah, of course he’s good at it and would whip me up a warm sweater. But he’s always leaving passive-aggressive and cryptic notes around. Rivers, if you have something to say, just say it to my face.
19. Thom Yorke
Thom spends every waking moment making music in his room. He would only come out at night to get a warm glass of milk. I wouldn’t know anything about him because we wouldn’t interact very much, but at least he pays his portion of the rent early.
18. Robert Smith
Cats are absolutely welcome in this household, but Robert Smith somehow has eight of them. I’m not going to remember the names of that many pets, and I want to avoid increasing my monthly lint roller budget.
17. Fred Durst
My main problem with Fred is that he’d use the word “hella” way too much, and he’d simply refuse to update his vernacular to 2023 levels. He just thinks it’s “cool beans.” Solid roommate otherwise.
16. Björk
Björk always has to tell me about a weird dream she had last night, and she would constantly want to discuss possible scenarios of what they could mean. I’m impressed that she can remember every single one of her dreams in full detail, but she doesn’t have to wake me up at three in the morning to tell me.
15. Dexter Holland
Having a Ph.D. in molecular biology means Dexter’s always going to be doing his little experiments in the kitchen while I’m trying to make myself a sandwich. I’d likely be tripping over beakers, flasks, and bunsen burners on a regular basis. Sure, he’s a good roommate otherwise, but at what cost?
14. Brendan Yates
The Turnstile singer seems like he gets up at 5 a.m. to work out and then takes an ice bath because, according to him, it “reduces inflammation.” While he’s respectful and generally a good roommate, it still makes me feel bad about sleeping in and enjoying warm water in the shower.
13. Kurt Cobain
Kurt would be very conscientious and always be exposing me to cool bands that have less than 100 monthly listeners on Spotify, but I’d probably never see him drink a glass of water and I’d start to get worried.
12. Ben Gibbard
Negative points for calling himself an “audiophile” despite owning a Crosley record player that looks like a suitcase that he hooks up to computer speakers. But positive points because he’s one of the few on this list that will take out the trash days before it is overflowing because he’s “just thinking ahead.”
11. James Hetfield
This guy is always out doing world tours, which means he’d never be home yet he’d still pay his share of the rent. The best roommates are the ones who are never there.
10. Greg Graffin
The Bad Religion singer would likely print out a copy of chore duties each week and hang it on the fridge. They’d somehow be laminated too. That’s extremely pedantic, but maybe our place needs some structure. Our living space is going to be so immaculate that you can eat off the floor and even the plates.
9. Billie Joe Armstrong
Billie Joe seems very gregarious and an overall solid roommate. The only downside is that he’d always be threatening to move to Canada if a politician he didn’t like got elected. Contractually speaking, that’s really going to mess up our lease situation.
8. Mark Hoppus
This man only eats grilled cheese sandwiches and will even make you one from time to time. That’s the kind of energy we want in this household.
7. Iggy Pop
Being a roommate with Iggy means you’ll have free reign of the washing machine. It’s well known that the Stooges frontman almost never wears a shirt. But he also seems like the kind of guy that only has two pairs of jeans that he goes months without washing, so that man does a load of laundry no less than biannually.
6. Hayley Williams
The Paramore singer would do the opposite of eating your leftovers in the fridge. She’d order extra takeout for you and leave it outside of your room as a surprise. Only I wouldn’t see it and I’d accidentally step on it walking out of my bedroom. Now there’s pad thai all over my foot. Thanks anyway, Hayley.
5. Joey Ramone
Someone’s going to have to water all these hard-to-reach plants that we have and change the lightbulbs in these ceiling fixtures. Luckily, Joey is a whopping 6’6” and fully capable of reaching pretty much anything with little effort. Without him, we’d have a bunch of dead plants and dark rooms.
4. Chino Moreno
Chino would always have good horror movie recommendations and somehow rents physical copies of them because they’re extremely rare, even though there aren’t any video stores within a 50-mile radius. We don’t know where he gets them, but we don’t care.
3. Phoebe Bridgers
Everyone loves Phoebe. But so would my parents. A little too much, if you ask me. They’d always be like, “Why can’t you be more like her?” It’s probably because she would have a weekly call with them for some reason, and I’m more of a “text once a year” kind of guy myself. You’re making me look bad, Phoebs.
2. Weird Al
Weird Al would give you the Hawaiian shirt off his back. He’d probably even freestyle a parody of the “Friends” theme and turn it into a song about vacuuming, making him one of the more delightful roommates I’d ever have.
1. Dave Grohl
Dave Grohl seems like the kind of guy who would spot you on your portion of the rent to make up for leaving one bowl in the sink overnight. In fact, he’d probably give you first month’s, last month’s, and a few months’ rent in between as a deposit for good measure. What a guy.