NEWARK, N.J. — Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) Agent Gary Morton decided to change his morally reprehensible ways and lead an upstanding life after a…
Man domesticated dogs nearly 15,000 years ago, and astonishingly, there are now 400 distinct dog breeds. Even more astonishing is that no one thought to…
EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Founding Primus member Les Claypool finally reached a level of competence that will allow him to stop playing bass and switch…
CHICAGO — Death Crack bassist Tim Bolz said he was “totally fine” with writing his own birthday post on the band’s Instagram page for the…
Hate is a word usually reserved for one’s most despised enemies, but what if the most pustulant, putrid, revolting human being you can think of…
HERSHEY, Pa. — Veteran band Phish announced their next song which would feature no more than five words followed by a “jam session” that could…
ARLINGTON, Texas — Vice President JD Vance was spotted sign twirling outside of a Tesla dealership today, attempting to convince onlookers to pull in for…
Man you guys, you’ll never believe what happened to me when I went to Amoeba Records last week! I shouldn’t say anything, but I can’t…
BAY CITY, Mich. — President of R&L Composites Inc. Stan Bratonski had just about enough of nu-metal bands breaking into his factory after hours to…
LEXINGTON, Ky. — Self-proclaimed MAGA Christian Cullen Monroe took a moment to remind himself of his core values today with a quick glance at his…
As we all know by now, heaven and hell do not exist, God is a figment of our collective imagination, and all religion is horseshit.…
MACON, Ga. — Local doormat Howard Logue showcased his clear lack of self-confidence by singing only the background vocals of a recent karaoke performance, sources…
Even though the stock markets are in chaos and the economy seems on the brink of complete collapse, thanks to our society’s gradual but persistent…
WASHINGTON — Local sex worker Jasmine Lawler is facing years behind bars after being labeled a domestic terrorist because she burst out in hysterical laughter…
If you’ve even visited your parents on a weekday afternoon or waited in a doctor’s office, chances are you’ve seen A&E’s hit show “Storage Wars”,…