Well this isn’t good. WWE Champion John Cena has a heart of gold, but it might just cost one sickly child his life. Cena —…
My pitch for this article was simple: I would ingest edibles and, under the influence, call a bunch of my ex-girlfriends. The idea was that…
CHICAGO — Climatologists are blaming record-low temperatures for the steep decline in Year-Round Shorts-Guy populations, resulting in a massive shortage of exposed, hairy, mid-winter calves,…
NEW YORK — Progressive punk Otto Williams replaced the phrase “bum a cigarette” earlier today with “homeless person a cigarette” in an attempt to be…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — 13 ½-year-old punk Bailey Tolbert is in a “full-blown” midlife crisis, unsure what to do with the remaining years she has…
Look at that drummer. She just put down her regular sticks and picked up two little bundles of kebab skewers. What’s she know that we…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local punk Alicia Lane is spending another long, slippery, water-soaked winter in her insufficiently winterized Doc Marten boots, friends close to the…
AKRON, Ohio — Local punk and apparent millionaire Ryan Simpson paid $6 for Friday night’s sliding-scale admission for a show at the DIY venue The…
EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. — Vice-Principal of Eden Prairie High School Wayne McCarthy claimed this week that he can relate with some of his school’s more…
All day long I hear people complaining about how bad alcohol is. How it destroys families and makes you shit your pants at your girlfriend’s…
SAN DIEGO — Panda Bear, of the experimental pop band Animal Collective, has reportedly refused to mate since being added to the San Diego Zoo’s…
Shit! According to My Psychic, My Spirit Animal Is That Dancing Guy from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones
All my life, I have felt that my soul was resonating sympathetically with another being’s essence. A spirit animal, if you will. Perhaps my spirit…
TORONTO — Legendary Rush drummer Neil Peart purchased one of the largest and shiniest drums on the market last night as a gift to himself…
PHILADELPHIA — Guitarist Pete Leinbach reportedly stuck to his pre-planned list of “hit” anecdotes during a first, and likely last, romantic encounter at a bar…