BOSTON — Local straight edge couple Alana Enders and Chris Lewis responsibly celebrated New Year’s Eve alone at home for the eighth consecutive year, sources…
SAN FRANCISCO — Airplane passengers aboard Delta flight 2871 from Chicago to Los Angeles are hoping local softboy Lou Mounton will eventually just cry himself…
A global pandemic. Equality uprisings. The removal of Cyberpunk 2077 from the PlayStation store. This is a time of great upheaval. These are the times…
ATLANTA — Dominique Jones, more popularly known to rap fans as Lil Baby, tragically passed away in his sleep last night due to apparent Sudden…
You gotta be fucking kidding me. This was not what I envisioned back when the 90s were in full swing. It’s 2020 now, years have…
WASHINGTON — Congressional attempts to pass a COVID-19 stimulus bill once again reached an impasse yesterday after Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) introduced an amendment to…
As the apocalypse raged on, I’d begun running out of ways to entertain myself when I had the worst great idea of my life. I…
NEW YORK — Progressive post-hardcore band Ganymede’s Gates reportedly realized moments ago that the entirety of their fanbase are “uncool nerds” whom they would never…
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Regal Cinemas CFO David Ownby asked his friend and HBO Max subscriber Richard Lansing yesterday to please share his HBO Max password…
HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Local married couple Colin and Vanessa Means’ marriage was saved yesterday after an impromptu stop at Spencer’s revamped their stagnant sex life.…
2023 has been the worst year of my life, slightly beating out 2022, which surpassed 2021. Actually, now that I think about it, every year…
ARLINGTON, Texas — Local dishwasher Dale Bennett was suddenly imbued with the ability to play every Pantera riff yesterday after he was bit on the…
BALTIMORE — Local audio engineer Pat “Filth” Filtrenzo realized yesterday that his “pay by the hour” business model was deeply flawed after multiple grindcore bands…
CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local wife and generally good sport Lezlie Colon spent several hours last night convincing her husband David that his small business, Seasonal…
Through the aisles of Sam Ash, something grotesque caught my eye. An affront to every moral ever held dear. I feared I was tripping on…