Diddy to be Allowed Conjugal Freak-Offs
FORT DIX, N.J. — The Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institute announced that it has granted Sean “Diddy” Combs conjugal freak-offs, confirmed sources. “We've been taking a lot of heat for this decision and I'm not just talking about…
Well Then, I Guess You Can Say I “Goon” Your Father – Guest Post by Mom
There you kids go again, snickering over another one of your little “inside jokes.” I bet you think your old mom is way too out… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Apple Introduces Single-Use ‘iPhone Loosie’
CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the next generation iPhone today, a new disposable single-use iPhone Loosie, sources confirmed. “For too long the… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Dave Mustaine Retiring from Megadeth to Enjoy Remainder of Megalife with Megafamily
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Citing advancing mega-arthritis preventing him from “giving 100% every night,” Megadeth founder Dave Mustaine has announced he will be megaretiring following the… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Gonorrhea Outbreak Somehow Not the Worst Part of Bret Michaels Concert
New Spotify Wrapped Feature Shows How Much of Your Money Went to Funding AI Warfare Technology
STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Spotify released its popular annual year-end “Wrapped” feature which gives users a snapshot of their music and podcast listening trends along with… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
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Music
Legendary Noise Band Reunites With Original Laptop
POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Seminal noise outfit GÜNT has reunited with its original laptop and founding member, sources close to the virus-riddled 2003 Compaq Presario confirmed. “It’s great to have our OG PC back,” GÜNT frontman Mark Phaneuf said. “After years…
Gonorrhea Outbreak Somehow Not the Worst Part of Bret Michaels Concert
CLEARWATER, Fla. — A gonorrhea outbreak during an outdoor Bret Michaels concert at the BayCare…
Juggalo Returns From Near Death Experience to Confirm Dark Carnival Is Real
HOLLAND, Mich. — A Juggalo who goes by the name Ice-Dawg awoke in the hospital…
Hatebreed Fan Looks to Their Lyrics for Inspiration to Overcome Aggravated Assault Charge
SAN DIEGO — Hatebreed fan Scott Tamowsky found inspiration in the band’s lyrics to overcome…
“Enter Sandman” Voted Best Metallica Song by Random Drunk Dipshits at the Bar
WASHINGTON — A recent poll among the nation’s random drunk dipshits at the bar have…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…