KNOXVILLE, Tenn. – Board members of the nation’s biggest movie theater chains met this week at Regal Cinema headquarters to discuss the steep decline in fingering, finger blasting, and other hand-related genital manipulation within movie theaters, as Netflix, Hulu and other streaming services gain popularity among America’s youth.
“Ladies and gentleman, we are getting killed out there,” said visibly rattled AMC Theatres CEO Craig Ramsey. “Today’s teens no longer need an empty, dark theater to awkwardly fondle each other’s hoo-hahs. More and more high schoolers are doing it at home thanks to liberal ‘keep the door open’ policies that are rarely enforced by parents. If Netflix puts up another season of The Walking Dead, God help us.”
Ramsey went on to point out the movie industry’s drop in ticket sales and finger-figures directly correlate with significant increases in the stock value of other seemingly unrelated goods and services.
“As attendance at our theaters have gone down, blanket futures have skyrocketed. Whatever is happening under those blankets should be moved from the home and back into our businesses,” Ramsey said, slamming his fist down on the boardroom table.
While the steep drop in attendance of hormonal teens has finally caught the attention of massive movie theater chain executives, local management has been all too aware of the growing crisis. Linda Helmsley, shift manager at Cinemark Theaters in Macedonia, Ohio, was one of the first to notice the effects of the trend on her theater.
“Around here, we have to reupholster the seats every three years or so, with people wiping their fingers into the fabric and such. The cloth we use is designed to absorb butter, soda, and liquid cheese, but bodily… fluids just wreak havoc on it. We used to call the back row the ‘The Tender Loins’ for obvious reasons,” said Helmsley. “But with fewer teenagers showing up, we might not need to change the upholstery for another four years at this rate. That extra income is nowhere near enough to offset flat ticket sales from home hand-os.”
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During the closed-door meeting, executives brainstormed ways to increase attendance, with ideas ranging from designated texting areas within the theater and fewer movies with old people to discounts for sexually active teens.
Meanwhile, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings plans to increase original content on his platform in hopes of completely eradicating all movie theater monkey business by the second quarter of 2017.