TAOS, N.M. — Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson announced early Monday that he would be viewing World Wrestling Entertainment’s flagship weekly show Monday Night Raw tonight, ending weeks of intense speculation as to how he would spend the evening.
Many thought Johnson would join the rest of his family in their living room to watch the first 2016 U.S. presidential debate tonight, but the announcement clarified his plans to watch Raw in his den instead, indicating that “anyone is welcome to join if they would like.”
“A month or so ago, Kate and the kids said it might be interesting if I sat on the couch with them during the debate and made rebuttals during the commercials,” said Johnson, the 29th governor of New Mexico to a raucous crowd of caucasians. “But I think we all knew that was never gonna happen.”
The loud, sign-waving crowd responded unfavorably to the news.
“I just don’t know why he’d waste his one little ratings point on something so unrealistic,” said self-proclaimed political expert Wesley O’Keefe. “I’d like to see him get behind something a little less artificial than wrestling. I mean, much like the governor not receiving the level of support needed to participate in the debate, you can see most of those storylines coming months ahead of time. It’s so frustrating.”
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Political aficionados aren’t the only ones disheartened by the announcement, with wrestling fan Bret Wenzel openly challenging the legitimacy of the two-term governor’s fandom. “I’ve barely heard of this guy, and suddenly he’s a serious wrestling fan?” Wenzel asked. “Get out of here. Someone asked him how long he thought Kevin Owens would hold the belt and he said, ‘What is Kevin Owens?’ I just don’t buy it.”
Despite the backlash, Johnson defended the integrity of his decision. “Look, I’m like a lot of people,” he said. “I’m sick of the programming the major networks have been providing us. I watch what I want to watch, and I’ve been watching wrestling since 1971. I love this shit.”
Johnson’s trademark jovial tone turned around, however, when asked if he ever thought of watching one of the independent promotions, such as Ring of Honor or Lucha Underground.
“Don’t be fucking ridiculous,” he said. “Why would anyone throw their time away like that?”