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BREAKING: Aging Punk Marks Himself Safe on Facebook Following 7Seconds Break Up

GREEN BAY, Wis. — Aging punk Brian Kowalczyk marked himself “safe” on Facebook early this morning upon learning that iconic American hardcore outfit 7Seconds has broken up, relieved eyewitnesses confirmed.

“Seeing all my buddies sharing their concerns and grievances over the terrible news, I just wanted to give those closest to me a little peace of mind that I was doing OK,” Kowalczyk said, of the loss of his favorite band. “These guys got me through my youth and I really thought they’d be there to get me through my midlife crisis. Now I’d just like to ask everyone to respect my privacy as I listen to Walk Together, Rock Together on repeat during this difficult time.”

Hardcore fans the world over were reportedly further saddened to learn that the band was retiring after 38 years, just two years shy of receiving their full pension.

This is a breaking news story. More updates to follow.

Article by Bobby D. Lux and The Hard Times Staff.