Fellas, your secret carnage castle near the coast is drab and SCREAMS, “My wife decorates our nondescript house in the suburbs because I’m trying to keep a low profile!” Sure, your cabin is where you’ve dismembered dozens of hitchhikers and countless dock workers. Sure, it stinks to high hell of rotting flesh, but your human butcher shop needs a makeover. What fun is having a slay chalet if it isn’t aesthetic? The interior designers at the Hard Times HQ can give you a fresh look that says, “NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!” just as well as it says, “I have impeccable taste in music.”
So, sharpen your knives and arrange an alibi because today we’re carving 20 of our favorite Modest Mouse lyrics into the walls of your murder cabin! (Listen to the playlist, click here)
20. From Point A to Point B (Infinity)
“Point A to point B, oh, I know
Lots of points with no points in between for me
So lonely but never alone, I know
I’m at my house, but I wish that I were at home”
These lyrics from the fifth track on “Sad Sappy Sucker” will really bring out your explorer, growth-mindset vibes. Everyone is on a journey, and we should be open to wherever it takes us–like learning how to balance family, career, and a passion for slaughtering nameless human cattle. Slash these lines into the wall next to your tooth collection and watch your home absolutely radiate a churning sense of listlessness.
19. The World at Large
“I like songs about drifters, books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane
Walked on off to another spot
I still haven’t gotten anywhere that I want”
As a homicidal sociopath, your maniacal lust for power is only surpassed by your love of art. These “Good News for People That Love Bad News” lyrics perfectly express your lack of meaningful human connection, and they’ll look charming above your first-edition book collection. “The World At Large” will make your study the A24 nightmare palace you’ve always dreamed of! Imagine dismembering a stranger in the backyard and then, hands still shaking from the rush of extinguishing a human life, sitting down to read beneath Isaac Brock’s timeless wisdom. Positively TRAUMATIC!
18. Wild Packs of Family Dogs
“A wild pack of family dogs came runnin’ through the yard
As my little sister played, the dogs took her away
And I guess she was eaten up, okay, yeah, she was eaten up, okay”
Carving this passage from “Wild Pack of Family Dogs” beside a portrait of your own sister will remind you of the time she was dragged into the woods and eaten by a wild pack of dogs. Did you once train some dogs living near your childhood home to be hardened and cruel because you heard this song as a deranged youth? Sure. Did you become their alpha and entice them to creep ever closer to your family? Absolutely. Will these lyrics tastefully memorialize your first steps toward insanity? Stylistically.
17. 3rd Planet
“Well, outside, naked, shivering, looking blue
From the cold sunlight that’s reflecting off the moon
And baby cum angels, fly around you
Reminding you we used to be three and not just two
And that’s how the world began
And that’s how the world will end”
The lyrics to “3rd Planet” are a lot like your favorite steak: cold, blue, and naked which makes them the perfect addition to your patio! Put these lyrics somewhere near the grill because even bloodthirsty hellhounds like to entertain!
16. Dramamine
“Traveling, swallowing, Dramamine
Look at your face like you’re killed in a dream”
It’s toxic to believe that psychopaths don’t need inspirational quotes on their mirrors, too. The motivation to eliminate human vermin while remaining undetected is exhausting! But, what if you remember that you’re an angel with the face of 1,000 fistfights? What if the lyrics to “Dramamine” make you sneer a little harder today? What if we also told you that updating your cabin will increase the resale value when you’re inevitably caught and your slaughter castle is sold at auction?
15. Cowboy Dan
“Because Cowboy Dan’s a major player in the cowboy scene
He goes to the reservation, drinks and gets mean
He goes to the desert, fires his rifle in the sky
And says, ‘God, if I have to die, you will have to die’”
The only wet dream you ever had was the one where you killed God. Who hasn’t woken up in a puddle of their own goo after strangling the Alpha and Omega in their sleep? Slashing these “Cowboy Dan” lyrics into the ceiling above your mattress will look great and remind you to always chase your dreams.
14. Every Penny Fed Car
“So you spilled every last penny into the car
And it still won’t even barely leave your home
So you spilled every last penny into the car
And it still won’t take you where you need to go”
Even unhinged maniacs need a hobby, and restoring the Saab you committed your first hit-and-run with is yours! Gouging the lyrics to “Every Penny Fed Car” in your log cabin garage will remind you how chaotic and uncaring the universe really is. While rehabilitation is impossible because you’re too far gone, you might be a passable mechanic should you have to go on the run and assume a new identity!
13. Coyotes
“And we say, we’re in love with all of it
And we say, we’re in love with everything
And we say, what can we say?
And we say, we’re in love with all of it
And we say, we’re in love with everything
And we lie, we love to lie”
Making your guests feel welcome and at ease is an important element of hosting. They should believe that you’re honest, trustworthy, and generous. But you’re a human butcher with no values or redeeming qualities! So they’ll be surprised once you flip the coffee table and shout, “YOU’RE GONNA DIE TONIGHT, AND NO ONE’S GONNA FIND THE BODY! YOU’LL BE JUST ANOTHER RED SMEAR ON MY BASEMENT WALL!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!” When that happens, just point to these, and they’ll get it. It’s just the polite thing to do.
12. Lampshades on Fire
“Our eyes light up, we have no shame at all
Well, you all know what I’m talking about
Shaved off my eyebrows, let ’em fall to the ground
So I can’t look surprised right now”
Remember in “Silence of the Lambs” when Buffalo Bill was a freak for putting on makeup? Well, the world has evolved, and it’s okay for men to groom themselves like the golden gods they are now. Grab your most flexible blade and get your swoop on because these lines are going to look almost as good as you look standing in front of the mirror naked, hairless, and caked in the bloody entrails of what used to be your family’s cat.
11. Classy Plastic Lumber
“Cause I’m a bastard bastard bastard
In my lipstick I’m so much fun”
Who doesn’t love a photo booth? It’s always fun to put a sassy little phrase in the background so everyone knows it’s the last picture they’ll ever take and that they had better smile if they know what’s good for them!
10. Gravity Rides Everything
“When we die some sink and some lay
But at least I don’t see you float away
And on spilt milk, sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place”
These perfect lines from “Gravity Rides Everything” will look great on the dinghy you hang from your ceiling. The words will remind you to always be sure you weigh down remains before you drop them in the lake or those pesky little buggers will come back to the surface! No one was upset that the prep cook in the local restaurant died, but they were pretty pissed that his corpse burned out their trolling motor. Keeping these words around is as practical as it is insane!
9. Never Ending Math Equation
“Infinity spirals out creation
We’re on the tip of its tongue, and it is saying
“Well, we ain’t sure where you stand
You ain’t machines and you ain’t land
And the plants and the animals, they are linked
And the plants and the animals eat each other”
What cabin in the woods would be complete without something cute in the laundry room?! This is where you spend so much time burning off your fingertips, making bleach buckets to wipe down the prison cell, and burning bloody clothes in the incinerator hidden in the wall! If you don’t have enough space to gouge the timber, try putting these lyrics on a cute little canvas.
8. Doin’ the Cockroach
“One year
Twenty years
Forty years
Fifty years
Down the road in your life
You’ll look in the mirror
And say, ‘My parents are still alive.’”
Every home should celebrate family which is why you have a sepia portrait of your great, great grandparents where a television should be. Their cold, dead eyes bring you waves of agony and joy. Their disapproving glares make you writhe in misery and ejaculate without warning. The fact that your own parents–such sad, forgettable creatures–still exist is proof of your magnificence and mercy.
7. Paper Thin Walls
“These walls are paper thin and everyone hears every little sound
Everyone’s a voyeurist, they’re watching me watch them watch me right now”
The only thing that’s paper-thin in your cabin are the remnants of human leather you use to make wallets, and your Etsy store is getting orders day and night. So pound this paranoid wisdom into the wall directly beside the secret window that looks straight into the fish cleaning station on a nearby dock. Plus, this will really pair so well with your antique binocular collection.
6. Ocean Breathes Salty
“Well, that is that and this is this
You tell me what you want and I’ll tell you what you get
You get away from me (you get away from me)
You get away from me”
Clearly, this is the perfect thing to put on your porch to keep those pesky solicitors away. You don’t want nosy, magazine-sellin’ interlopers to smell the putrid stench of decay and ruin all your fun. This is the perfect way to say, “As a disenchanted former young person, I have made cranky-ass music my personality,” while also saying, “Please respect the privacy of my home.” If they still ask if you’d like to subscribe to “Sports Illustrated” or sign a petition that gives fish the right to vote, just tell them your checkbook is in the basement. You tried to warn them.
5. Satin in a Coffin
“Often times you know our laughter
Is your coffin ever after”
“Satin in a Coffin” really understands that being a Millenial murder-fiend means connecting senseless acts of violence to your greater sense of detachment. We kill, but outside of the thrill of inflicting pain, do we ever really feel alive? After you chisel this helpful reminder to turn your frown upside down into the wall, you’ll never stop smiling. Ever. No matter how uncomfortable it makes anyone that can see your hardened, leathery face.
4. The Stars Are Projectors
“God is a woman and the woman is
An animal, that animal’s man, and that’s you
Was there a need for creation?
That was hidden in a math equation, and that’s this
Where do circles begin?
Where do circles begin?”
Honestly, are these lines from a song on “The Moon and Antarctica” or something you said after snorting a line of Ketamine? Because they are–like you, a God-King among insects–perfect and flawless. This holy scripture belongs somewhere near your stainless steel dissection table that you sometimes do Sudoku on.
3. Tundra/Desert
“Get too creative ordering our drinks
And mine stinks, mine stinks
Get too creative ordering our drinks
And yours stinks, yours stinks, yours stinks”
What your cabin’s wet bar really needs are the lyrics to a song that sounds like demonic disco. If you’re feeling extra vibey, display them in custom pink neon lights. You can find those online without posting a cryptic Craigslist ad meant to lure an unsuspecting simpleton into a 4 foot cell. Resist all urges to ask the artist what their greatest fear is and simply mention that you like Modest Mouse and want to make your single plastic gallon of vodka less depressing. Please don’t kill the artist.
2. Bukowski
“If God controls the land and disease,
Keeps a watchful eye on me,
If he’s really so damn mighty,
My problem is I can’t see,
Well who would want to be?
Who would want to be such a control freak?
Well who would want to be?
Who would want to be such a control freak?”
Can anyone really define what insanity is? Probably not–which is why you should slap Isaac Brock’s most important questions up in your home gym! Let these words wash over you as you train to become nature’s most perfect killing machine. You don’t need motivation or discipline because you are a fit, agile, and absolutely gorgeous instrument of the natural order. Bench press hundreds of pounds while you listen to this solemn, accordion-driven song and remember that you are a wildfire. You will cleanse the forest so a new, more perfect one may grow in your likeness.
1. Secret Agent X-9
“Got a race car grin and a calculation
An elegant gun for a secret agent
Defunct that time bomb
At the space station”
Honestly, we’re not even sure we can pretend to know what the fuck this means or where it would look cute in your cozy murder hut. Just throw it up on the wall somew–”HEY! YOU DID IT ALREADY?! IT LOOKS SO GOOD NEXT TO ALL THAT BLOOD! YOU WERE REALLY LISTENING!”
“YES!!!!! WE WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE IN THE SHED! WE DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF THAT!!!”
