WASHINGTON — President Trump left his meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa visibly shaken and confused after admitting he thought the leader died in prison in the 1980s, White House aides confirmed.
“Can you believe this? This is huge, I could’ve sworn he died and then wham here he is in the Oval Office. One of my golf buddies said he died in ’87 and nobody ever lies to me so I trusted him. I normally have all the facts, a lot of people talk about how many facts I know. I could have been on a ‘Jeopardy’ champion, but the producers said to me ‘Mr. Trump, you’re too smart for this show. We can’t find anything that would stump you, it wouldn’t be fair.’ Which is sad, it really is,” rambled Trump. “So this guy shows up at the White House, really a beautiful place, but I’ve made it so much nicer, and it turns out he’s been alive the whole time. If South Africa has resurrection technology, they better share it with us, because I’m sure we made it first and they stole it. To be on the safe side I am asking the Secret Service to immediately investigate whether or not I sat down with a ghost, because this is crazy.”
White House staff had hoped to avoid any confusion before the meeting.
“That white genocide presentation was the least of our problems that afternoon. I literally put ‘RAMAPHOSA = ALIVE’ in huge font on his morning briefing and Donald told me I didn’t know my history. I then explained to him that he wasn’t meeting Nelson Mandela, who also didn’t die in prison, and things went off the rails,” said an aid who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “The President immediately filled his diaper when he was being introduced, and it only got more tense from there. Half of it was having his mind blown over sitting with someone he thought was dead, and also another person, and the other half was surprised President Ramaphosa wasn’t white like Elon.”
As of press time, President Trump announced an executive order demanding Kellogg’s put sunglasses back on the Raisin Bran mascot.