BLOOMFIELD, Conn. — All 12 attendees of a sold-out harsh noise show were reportedly oblivious to the blaring fire alarm meant to notify them the building was on fire, sources confirmed amidst the uproar.
“What can I say, I was lost in the ever-lovin’ sonic swamp,” said an audience member who, when asked their name, simply said “Cardboard.” “It’s a testament to how hard the chick onstage was entrancing us that we all didn’t realize the room was filled with smoke, and the beeps of the fire alarm went along so well with the beeps of the carbon monoxide detectors she was using up there. Oh, and I figured all the people asphyxiating around me were an experimental theater element, which I was super into. Might steal it for my own project, honestly, if it’s up for grabs.”
The artist onstage, called Sheathed Regions (real name Brianna Symmonds), is jealous of the attention the fire received.
“Goddamn, man. This is the one time I forget to pack the fire extinguishers I usually blast for my big crescendo at the 50-minute mark. I can’t believe today of all days is when I go to have them refilled. Uh, yeah, let’s just say you could tell this show was on a Monday,” joked Symmonds through gritted teeth. “But, on a more serious note, this was my only show for the next few months, so I’m pretty peeved that this so-called ‘deadly blaze’ stole my thunder like that. Glad to be safe and all, but I really could have used the stage time. Even though the fire engulfed the stage a few minutes ago.”
Chief William Lister, a first responder from the Bloomfield Fire Station, revealed how he got to the scene so quickly.
“I’ll be honest with you, I wasn’t even here because of the blaze going on, I was already in the crowd because I’m a closet noise freak. When I learned of the fire, my instinct was saving all the limited edition 7”s from the merch table before my common sense kicked in and I began moving the other folks out of the building in an orderly fashion,” said Kramer. “The other guys down at the station just don’t understand, but there’s something about the blaring beeps, screeching and honks that speaks to me on a gut level. I’m glad this weird-ass niche interest paid off and saved some lives.”
At press time, it was revealed that the headlining act had planned on demolishing the venue anyway as their “salute to Hanatarash.”