BOSTON — Viral footage from GWAR’s popular Analingus Cam supposedly shows a tech CEO engaged in a lewd sexual act with his mistress, multiple people in desperate need of a fun distraction confirmed.
“We had just sprayed the crowd with gallons of alien cum and everyone was whipped into a frenzy. We cut to the Analingus Cam and a few couples were going at it, having a fun time slurping a butt, and having their butt slurped. Then we cut to this one couple and the entire mood changed,” said Blöthar the Berserker. “There he was, tongue so deep inside her that I’m pretty sure he was licking the back of her eyeballs. That’s when he realized the camera was on him. He dove off screen and I said something like ‘Nobody licks their wife’s asshole that clean, he’s either having an affair or he’s a scumdog whose appetite for ass knows no bounds.’ The clip really took off, my grandmother High Priestess Ejaculah even shared it on Facebook.”
Internet sleuths quickly identified the man as Kenneth Baines, the CEO of the tech start up Golaxiar.
“Kenneth Baines is 52-years-old, he has two children. A 17-year-old boy who goes to Washington High School named Asher, and a 19-year-old daughter who is going to school at Northwestern. His wife of 21 years, and we can assume soon to be ex-wife, is Emily Baines, and she is not the woman whose ass was being absolutely devoured,” said amateur detective Lonnie Wilson. “The woman in the video is Golaxiar CFO Linda Olsen. She is also married with one adult child. I was able to hack their work email and found multiple pornographic photos they have sent to each other which I have already posted on Reddit.”
The Golaxiar CEO admits this was an embarrassing mistake and hopes to move on.
“I want to apologize to my wife, my children, my entire family, and the employees at Golaxiar who trust me. I had a major lapse in judgement. I was trying to enjoy a private moment with a work colleague, and things went too far,” said Baines. “But what does this say about our society? Where two consenting adults cannot even enjoy mutual anal satisfaction without it being broadcast across a Jumbotron and plastered on social media. We should all be ashamed. This is a societal problem, GWAR shows should be a safe space for ass eating, and this is making a mockery of a beautiful sexual act.”
At press time,Tech CEOs began forwarding a new memo with best practices on how to properly cheat on your wife without ever getting caught.