INDIANAPOLIS — Distraught boygenius fan Hope Green was seen throwing rocks and refusing to leave the parking lot after a recent show when she realized she had the wrong lunchbox full of poems, confirmed multiple witnesses who didn’t dare approach her.
“I came here with a bedazzled season three ‘Golden Girls’ lunchbox with a crocheted handle, a Phoebe Bridgers skeleton sticker placed over Blanche, and a blue carabiner,” said Green. “I have written souvenirs to every salted wound, every hand bitten, and every old poet. They were going to love every poem they inspired when I screamed them over the security guard’s head as we were about to become best friends. I opened the lunchbox and the first sonnet I read was titled something about being a hack that is definitely not going to be the next member of boygenius, I knew there was a mix-up, and this wasn’t my case.”
Lucy Dacus of boygenius witnessed a foray of a few angry concertgoers descending on the lost and found after the show.
“Being on the road, I’ve seen a lot. But when one of our fans jumps a security barrier, headbutts a venue staff member and starts screaming about how free verse offers a delicate yet wide-open representation of their stream of consciousness it really sticks with you.” Dacus added, “I saw another fan with bloodied knuckles leaving the lost and found clutching a small moleskin journal, it wasn’t the ending of the night we had hoped for.”
Inventor and specialist of sentimental item security Nick Ribault offered his expertise on lunchbox mishaps.
“Listen, locks on diaries are easy. Putting your passport in your fanny pack on vacation, that is also easy. Mucking around an Alt-Indie-Alt-Folk concert with a sketchbook or journal? That is difficult,” said Ribault. “There is an overwhelming chance you may swap it by show’s end. My advice? Geotag everything on your person and use a label maker to put your name on everything you own. That’s the only way you can be sure your poems stay yours.”
Security guards at the scene explained they were unable to diffuse the situation after the music of boygenius left them emotionally steamrolled and unable to address conflict and promise to be better and hope everyone is “cool about it.”