BALTIMORE — Local indie band Pedro Pastel put out an ad seeking an entry-level bassist that required an unrealistic five years of exposure, confirmed sources rolling their eyes in unison.
“It’s always a red flag when the job description says they’re looking for a ‘rockstar’ and someone that can work in a fast-paced practice environment,” said bassist and potential candidate Blaine Dawson. “Let’s see. I have a bachelor’s degree in music theory, master’s in contemporary performance, and several internships at various record companies, but evidently that’s not nearly enough for them. And when I asked what they meant when they said they offer a ‘highly competitive salary’ they evidently meant free pizza on Fridays. That’s pretty ballsy for a band no one’s ever heard of.”
The group’s manager Chase Kyleston defended the job requirements.
“We’ve had this bass player position open for a full year now,” said Kyleston before rejecting an applicant because they didn’t include a cover letter. “And we’ve had to turn down hundreds of unqualified candidates and even a few qualified ones that just didn’t vibe right. It’s like no one wants to work for little to no compensation anymore. I don’t really think it’s unreasonable to ask for years of hands-on exposure, at least a few platinum records under their belts, and manager-level experience in Nine Inch Nails. We’d even accept someone who played the main stage at Coachella within the last five years. We’re not that picky.”
Human Resources expert Rebecca Gainesville believes this irrational employer trend is here to stay.
“Beginner jobs that require an absurd amount of experience are like employment catch-22,” said Gainseville. “In theory, someone with years of exposure wouldn’t accept an entry-level position, and anyone who’s just starting out wouldn’t have enough experience. It’s like how Matt Skiba got the guitarist job in blink-182. His years of exposure in Alkaline Trio made him a perfect candidate for the position. Imagine if he turned that down for a spot in some no-name band who opened for other no-name bands? Wouldn’t happen. Hiring managers really need to lower their expectations.”
At press time, Dawson took matters into his own hands and formed a small startup band, citing his “entrepreneurial spirit and background in hustle.”