ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Confused members of touring space-metal band Stratizzfear are reportedly still reeling after playing an advertised “all ages” show to just a 91-year-old and an 8-month-old, the senior citizen’s caretaker confirmed.
“So, I guess the ‘all-ages’ sign was literal. It would have been nice to be notified, and not take the stage to the scant claps of one decrepit old man and a baby who may or may not have been down for his nap,” said longtime drummer Brock “Pelican” Pantaliani. “I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t an uphill battle getting the energy up. All told, I’d say 90% of our set was spent making sure the infant didn’t roll over on his side in a weird way and the old guy didn’t throttle the bartender for not laughing at his off-color jokes. I guess that’s life on the road…I just wonder if we should adjust our merch offerings to include bibs.”
Retired 91-year-old bricklayer Honus Gretzl defended his decision to attend the show with an infant.
“I hate to break it to ya, but I knew exactly what I was getting into when I saw that all-ages sign and I came here to fuckin’ ROCK,” hacked Gretzl, between big puffs of the grossest-looking cigar ever seen. “Me and that baby are old pals, and go to shows all the damn time. These twenty-somethings have a thing or two to learn about the Annapolis scene, I’ll tell ya that much. Hot damn, I got half a mind to start a two-piece with that baby and really show ‘em how it’s done. Oh hey, while I got you here, have you heard the one about the Italian stranded on a desert island?”
Anti-ageism advocate Brit Lovett has expressed worry over the increasing levels of derision facing the uber-young-and-old.
“I couldn’t believe it when I started hearing the rumblings of indie bands claiming they would start agreeing to ‘Only Certain, More Relatable Ages’ shows specifically. I’m sorry, but all-ages means ALL-AGES, and anything outside of it is discrimination, whether it’s pleasant or, more likely let’s face it, not,” railed an impassioned Lovett. “In fact, I’d like to take things a few steps further by enforcing DIY venues to start installing ball pits and walk-in humidors for little kids and elders alike. That’s the strange, inconvenient world we should be living in!”
Upon hearing the news of this ill-advised gig’s mix-up, the band “No Age” is frightened about what the crowds for their upcoming shows might consist of.
