MOBILE, Ala. — Members of black metal band Christspearer found themselves regretting setting fire to St. Mark the Evangelist’s Catholic Church after realizing doing so had detracted from abuse allegations against its priest, Father Ronald Mayhew, sources report.
“We really need to do more research before we do this shit,” said frontman Alex “Razael” Rodriguez. “We shouldn’t have just run out and burned down the first church we saw. Now there’s a pedophile priest who might evade justice just because everybody’s attention is now focusing on the fact that his house of worship is a pile of ash. Now there’s probably going to be a big outpouring of community support to raise funds for his parish, with fucking bake sales and shit like that. He’s going to end up so much better off than he would’ve been had we just left his church alone.”
Mayhew was obviously relieved to see his workplace destroyed.
“When I showed up to the church this morning, it was like that last scene in ‘Office Space,’” Mayhew said while wiping his forehead in relief. “There’s like 20 allegations of abuse being lobbied against me, and if I’m being completely honest, they’re all legit. Hopefully that will all blow over, though, as everyone’s focus gets turned to the church being set ablaze. We’re in the South, too, so I can maybe use some talking points from the Satanic Panic about this evil heavy metal band that’s burning churches in some kind of ritual. That’ll certainly keep everyone occupied, at least until I can get moved to another parish.”
Community member Dara Crestfield was upset by the arson.
“I’m pissed off, and not because a fucking church got burned down,” Crestfield lamented. “I couldn’t care less about that, but now everyone in this town is going to be up in arms about it instead of trying to get that awful priest arrested. Couldn’t that band have been satisfied just taking some pictures in the forest while wearing corpsepaint, or even killing each other and wearing their skulls as jewelry? There were a ton of other things they could’ve done to prove how evil they are. We just gave this robed creep free reign to keep up his horrible behavior against the people he’s supposed to be guiding and protecting.”
At press time, Catholic Church leaders were hoping for this to happen at several thousand other places of worship around the world.
