OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk band Glow Schtick bragged about the “secret show” they performed this past weekend, despite only calling it a secret after realizing they forget to tell people about it, skeptical sources report.
“Secret shows are kind of a hard concept for a lot of people around here to grasp. You might say we’re really ahead of the curve,” said Glow Schtick singer Brian Lance while reviewing iPhone footage of the night. “It might look as though we just spaced on flyers, social media posts, and even basic word of mouth, but this is intentional and carefully planned. If we advertised this thing then we would have most likely had to upgrade to a bigger venue, maybe even a stadium, and that’s just not punk. Gotta keep up that air of exclusivity, after all.”
Despite having booked the gig months in advance, the band says promoting it would have robbed them of the buzz from disappointed fans after realizing they missed out.
“I had no idea this show was happening, and I come to this bar constantly,” said Reggie Erb, barfly and man unaware of Glow Schtick’s existence. “Now that I know I missed a secret show, I feel like a real chump. You’d figure there’d be some sort of hint there it was coming but I gotta give these guys props, they didn’t tell a soul! I’ll be picking up their album as soon as I figure out just who the hell they were.”
Staff of Crunchy’s, the bar that hosted the show, reported lackluster attendance on the night of the event.
“Right away I noticed this place was gonna be dead all night,” said bar manager Ryan Lynne while filling the communal party mix bowl by the cash register. “I thought at first we were dealing with some avant garde act that was gonna draw a couple artsy weirdos but nope, just four on the floor, shitty punk music, and an absolutely empty bar. All we brought in that night were the six drink tickets we gave these assholes. We’re definitely going back to karaoke next week.”
At press time, Glow Schtick had just posted to their socials to “be excited” for an upcoming track they have yet to even write.