LOS ANGELES — Legendary punk band Bad Religion decided to cut costs for an upcoming tour by having lead singer Greg Graffin’s TA drive the tour bus, sources report.
“I can’t believe I only discovered this little life-hack a few years ago,” said Graffin. “I save myself time as a professor by having my TA handle my office hours, so why not save money by having him acquire a Commercial Driver’s License and drive us around the country a little? I earned my PhD over 20 years ago, so I’m actually kind of disappointed in myself that it took me this long to realize this was an option. Paying a driver is such a huge part of touring expenses, so it’s a no-brainer to just put this task on someone who’s already getting paid through a grant that doesn’t come out of our pockets.”
Graffin’s TA Jonathan Bergen was not happy about the situation.
“This definitely is not what I was expecting when I got accepted into UCLA’s doctoral program,” Bergen sighed. “I’m writing my dissertation on starter feed development for local golden trout, not on driving a fucking tour bus for the second year in a row. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to TA under Bad Religion’s lead singer, but it’s actually been a total drag. I’m going to have to grade papers and online quizzes in between my driving shifts while Dr. Graffin is performing. I know there are some unsavory parts to graduate education, but this is a little ridiculous if you ask me.”
Azadeh Ghorbani, the Dean of UCLA’s School of Life Sciences, did not agree with Graffin’s decision.
“Dr. Graffin and I will have to have a little talk when he gets back from his tour,” Ghorbani said. “I remember scolding him after their tour with Social Distortion, but it seems that the message didn’t get through to him. Our graduate students are already getting by on an absolute pittance, so it really isn’t fair for professors who are also successful punk musicians to outsource their touring costs to their TAs. I’m pretty sure Bad Religion is taking in enough money through their ticket sales, so they’re just going to have to eat the cost of a bus driver going forward.”
At press time, Milo Aukerman was considering going back into teaching so he could do the same thing for an upcoming Descendents tour.
