MELBOURNE — Leading archaeology authorities excitedly reported they’re narrowing in on finally unearthing a song by Jet that isn’t “Are You Gonna Be My Girl,” skeptical sources confirmed.
“Despite decades of widespread belief that Jet only had that one song, my findings are inching closer and closer to disproving that theory. Everyone called me a quack and a madman for believing they had more songs, but I’ll show them. I’ll show them all!” said University of Melbourne archaeology professor Dr. Clement Q. Tarraway, with a psychotic gleam in the eye not covered by the eyepatch. “Soon my grand plan will come to fruition, and we’ll all be bopping our heads to a previously unheard-of neo-garage-rock-revival track that will have the entire world saying, ‘Yeah, it’s fine, I guess. Sure, whatever’ at last!”
The primary guy from Jet, whose name even top researchers couldn’t manage to drum up from their memory banks, was even dubious of Dr. Tarraway’s claims.
“Look, this is coming straight from the main guy from Jet’s mouth, ok? Even I don’t think we had any other songs than the ‘Be My Girl’ one. Not even any ideas for them, in fact,” said that guy from Jet. “Even the song we did have was just lifted from the riff from Iggy’s ‘Lust For Life’ which, come to think of it, was jacked from a Supremes bassline. How the hell did we manage to get on the charts in the first place? Anyway, I’ll go to my grave knowing we just had that one song, or my name isn’t, um…aw hell, what is my damn name? Hold on here.”
University President J. Hallickson Mandrill echoed the professor’s optimism, hoping that it could lead to big things for the school.
“Imagine the possibilities in the realm of one-hit-wonder expanded universes that could lead to. Why, if a band like Jet could have another song, there could be others just like it! We could be standing on soil that could be hiding another song by B*Witched, Wheatus, or even the legendary second Venga Boys single!” exclaimed an exuberant Mandrill, with a giggle. “Any one of those could get our fair alma mater funded for years to come. Are we playing god by treading into areas mankind wasn’t meant to? Perhaps. But that’s a risk we’re willing to take.”
At press time, Dr. Tarraway was dismayed to find out that what he was actually unearthing was just another in a long line of new dinosaur species before uttering, “back to the drawing board.”