We all know the most popular thing on the internet is pornography. We all love it, but trailing right behind porn in popularity are tales of true crime. People just can’t get enough of the stuff. It’s like informational heroin, and to satisfy that addiction here are 7 times musicians from the punk/metal worlds ran afoul of the law.

7. Harley Flanagan: Assault

In 2012, the founder and primary songwriter of New York hardcore legends, the Cro-Mags, found himself on the outside of a competing version of the band, fronted by John Joseph. He allegedly turned up at their show at NYC’s Webster Hall, gained access to the VIP section courtesy of a hunting knife, and proceeded to stab and bite then-current members of the band. Flanagan himself was also stabbed during the melee, and claimed that he only bared his teeth in self-defense. The fact that the Cro-Mags’ debut and best-known album is entitled “The Age of Quarrel” is probably just a coincidence. Flanagan’s charges were later dropped due to lack of cooperating witnesses.

6. Phil Rudd: Attempted Murder for Hire

The AC/DC drummer was arrested in New Zealand in 2014 and charged with attempting to procure the murder of two associates. You read that correctly – the man who played on “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” (the most famous song ever written about hiring a hitman) was arrested for trying to hire a hitman. That’s the type of shit you can’t make up. The murder-for-hire charge was dropped due to “insufficient evidence,” although Rudd was still sentenced to eight months of home detention after pleading guilty to threatening to kill a man and possession of methamphetamine and marijuana. No word on whether the would-be murder plot involved concrete shoes or high voltage.

5. G.G. Allin: Felonious Assault

In 1989, the outlaw scumfuc, projectile defecator, and all around fun guy born Jesus Christ Allin, was charged with “assault with intent to do great bodily harm less than murder” stemming from an amorous encounter gone awry in Ann Arbor, Michigan, though he plea-bargained to the less severe, and less verbose, infraction of “felonious assault.” He admitted to burning, cutting, and drinking the blood of a female companion, but insisted that the acts were consensual and that she had done the same to him. The experience earned the transgressive Romeo 15 months in prison.

*Honorable Mention* Ozzy Osbourne: Public Urination

We like to have fun here at The Hard Times. But if you’re a regular reader, you already know that one thing we take seriously is desecration of 18th-century Spanish missions and their surrounding plazas. Which is why it isn’t funny that the Prince of Darkness messed with Texas in the most Ozzy way possible – by drunkenly pissing on the Cenotaph, a monument commemorating the Battle of the Alamo. Or that he was wearing only his future wife Sharon’s dress when he did so. Not funny at all. To this day, when one of our contributors binges on White Claw before touring historical sites, we sit them down and warn them to “Remember the Alamo.”

4. Vince Neil: Vehicular Manslaughter

In 1984, the Mötley Crüe vocalist spent a day with Dr. Feelgood before he and Hanoi Rocks drummer, Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, hopped into his De Tomaso Pantera to visit a liquor store for more booze. In his intoxicated state, Neil lost control and struck an oncoming vehicle head-on, killing Dingley and causing brain damage to the occupants of the other car. He was charged with vehicular manslaughter and DUI, sentenced to 30 days in jail and 5 years probation, and ordered to pay $2.6 million restitution and perform 200 hours of community service. Alas, sometimes when you shout at the devil, he shouts back. So dear reader, keep your eyes peeled for drunken glam metal singers and buckle up because it’s all murder from here on in.

3. Phil Spector: Second-Degree Murder

You: Isn’t this a list for punk and metal artists? Us: How many Ramones albums did you produce? Spector, the legendary producer who worked with the Crystals, the Ronettes, Ike & Tina Turner, and the Beatles, among others, also produced the 1980 Ramones album, “End of the Century,” allegedly holding the band at gunpoint during the sessions. Unfortunately, his 2A fetish didn’t end there. Spector shot and killed actress Lana Clarkson in 2003, for which he was convicted of second-degree murder and sentenced to 19 years to life. He died in 2021 while still incarcerated, proving that sometimes a wall of steel is mightier than a wall of sound.

2. Varg Vikernes: Murder and Arson

The Norwegian white supremacist, church burning enthusiast, and sole member of pioneering black metal project Burzum, has been called “the most notorious metal musician of all time.” In 1992, he joined Mayhem, replacing bassist Necrobutcher, who took issue with guitarist Euronymous’s callous treatment of vocalist Dead’s suicide (including rearranging the scene and taking photographs for later use as an album cover). Vikernes had no such qualms, playing with Euronymous in Mayhem and inviting him to guest on Burzum albums. Sadly, the bromance was not to last. In 1993, the relationship between Vikernes and Euronymous became acrimonious, and Vikernes stabbed Euronymous to death in his apartment. He unsuccessfully claimed self-defense and was sentenced to 21 years in prison for murder, arson of three churches, attempted arson of a fourth church, theft, and storage of explosives. Vikernes now considers himself retired from music, enjoys long walks on the beach, and spends his free time being a complete piece of shit.

1. Sid Vicious: Murder

Let’s be honest, you read this far to make sure he was on the list, right? On the night of October 11, 1978, the erstwhile Sex Pistols bassist, and girlfriend Nancy Spungen, partied in their room at NYC’s Chelsea Hotel. By 11:00 the next morning, Nancy was found dead of a stab wound. Sid alternately claimed that he remembered nothing, that Nancy had fallen on his knife, and that he had stabbed her but not meant to kill her. Many have speculated a suicide pact gone wrong. Sid was charged with Nancy’s murder, but released on bail awaiting trial. On December 5, 1978, Vicious went to the Hurrah nightclub to see the band Skafish, where he flirted with the girlfriend of Patti Smith’s brother, Todd Smith. A fracas ensued in which Smith was stabbed in the face with a broken beer bottle by Vicious, sending him back to Rikers Island for assault and parole violation. On February 1, 1979, Vicious was again released on bail, having completed seven weeks of heroin detox. He celebrated his freedom and independence from heroin by, naturally, acquiring and shooting some heroin. His mother found him dead of an overdose the next morning, ending a sordid but defining chapter in the history of punk rock. We’ll never know for sure if Sid “did it” – we only know that he did it his way.