For the past two decades, you haven’t been able to turn on the TV without seeing an insurance mascot during a commercial break. Whether it’s a smartass reptile or an overly enthusiastic woman with a lipstick problem, these iconic characters have become a staple of advertising.
But while everyone loves the hilarious antics of these goofballs, do we really know what they’re like once the cameras turn off? Let’s take a look at the value the most popular insurance mascots place on the sanctity of life – specifically when it comes to their own spouse.
15. Mayhem – NA
Contrary to how he’s represented in the media, Mayhem is actually a caring husband who loves his wife deeply and would be pretty bummed to see her in a coma. Mayhem would spend as much time as he could reading to his wife, going through old photos, and talking about the good times they shared together. This rough ‘n’ tumble mascot wouldn’t pull the plug on his comatose wife at all, letting her reach a natural conclusion instead.
14. Allstate Guy – NA
You know that guy on your block who just goes back inside his house after witnessing a hit and run? That pretty much sums up the original Allstate guy. This smooth-talking staple of insurance advertising has a simple mantra: mind your damn business. That’s why when his wife falls comatose, he’ll simply let it be and keep doing his thing, like the cool cat he is.
13. Progressive Flo – 1 Month
Everyone’s favorite bright-eyed and bushy-tailed neighborhood girl has actually been thinking about taking a human life for a while – but given her stature in the media, she obviously has to play it cool. After a well-crafted PR campaign where she somberly talks about the benefits of Progressive life insurance, Flo will have an ’oopsie-daisies’ and pull that plug so hard it snaps.
12. Erin Esurance – 3 Weeks
Everyone remembers Erin Esurance, right? The Esurance special agent mascot from the early 2000s who was taken off air because teenagers on 4chan kept making really weird art of her? Well, she settled down following her departure from the public eye, but found herself missing the adrenaline rush of covert insurance operations. She’ll find it very hard to resist pulling that plug and making a daring escape in the middle of the night.
11. Aflac Duck – 2 Weeks
If you know anything about ducks it’s that they’re some of nature’s most loyal creatures. But in the insurance game, tough business decisions have to be made. Within two weeks, the Aflac Duck is pulling the plug and cashing that life insurance check.
10. Professor Burke – 1 Week
Despite his put-together demeanor, Professor Burke has actually been cheating on his wife with a rotating cast of sex workers since they’ve been married. He’ll probably see this situation as the perfect opportunity to avoid a messy divorce and move to Thailand for a fresh start.
9. Snoopy (Metlife Insurance) – 3 Days
Snoopy has proven time and time again that he really doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself (and maybe that stupid bird-for-brains he hangs around). He’d pull the plug as soon as it becomes a minor inconvenience that disrupts his napping schedule.
8. Geico Caveman – 1 Day
Since that Gecko entered the picture, the Caveman has spent his free time browsing “soy-based medicine” recipes and talking about George Soros a lot online. He’d insist that life support actually weakens the body’s immune system and pull the plug while blaming the doctor’s “toxic chakras and shit”.
7. Jake from State Farm (Original) – 8 Hours
Lying behind Jake’s signature khakis is an insatiable thirst to take part in human suffering. Ever since Cool Jake got to go to the Kids’ Choice Awards, this one has struggled with intrusive thoughts of sadism. That’s why he plans to edge himself by slowly pulling the plug in and out of the wall until completion.
6. LiMu Emu – 4 Hours
This suave newcomer to the insurance scene believes in beauty through chaos. He wants to watch the world burn and always has some kerosene tucked away in his emu pouch. He’ll pull the plug without hesitation, but could be delayed because he doesn’t have hands.
5. Doug – 4 Hours
Doug has no spine and blindly follows where LiMu Emu leads. LiMu Emu could walk this guy around hot pavement on a leash and he’d kiss his clawed feet. As the old saying goes, “If LiMu Emu pulls the plug, the next to follow is Mister Doug”.
4. Geico Gecko – 2 Hours
The Gecko doesn’t have bad intentions. However, this is a creature who loves his naughty little games. After the first few days, Gecko might think he can get a few laughs by pretending to pull the plug. Unfortunately, the plug will likely get stuck to his webbed fingers and slip out of the outlet in a freak accident of sorts. He won’t be very pleased with this outcome, but he also won’t have a grieving period of more than a few weeks before he’s back to his usual yapping about bundling home and auto.
3. Jake From State Farm (Current) – 90 Minutes
When someone blows up as quickly as the new Jake From State Farm, they begin to lose patience in other areas of life. After just over an hour of sitting on his phone in the ICU, Jake will want to get on with his life so he can start dating a WNBA star or something.
2. Progressive Jamie – 30 Minutes
While Flo’s newest sidekick isn’t as death-obsessed as she is, that doesn’t mean the plug isn’t coming out. Jamie’s a young guy who isn’t done living out the wild years of his youth, and this party animal would much rather be doing poppers behind T.J. Maxx than sitting in a boring hospital. He’ll make sure this whole ordeal is over before the molly kicks in.
1. The General – 10 Minutes
The General doesn’t quite view the value of life the same since that summer in Cambodia. Pulling the plug on his wife of 50 years would come just as naturally as chewing gum for this seasoned mascot.