Before reading the text below, some obsessively avid and perpetually bitter readers of The Hard Times will most certainly say that this Pierce the Veil album ranking article is off-brand and should’ve been cut long before it was written. Other more casual, less-angry-but-still-somehow-quite-angry fans of revered literature and brilliant satire will also likely spout the same, as people in those respective categories don’t often mince words. It’s hard out there for a knife pun that penetrates through your heart and an overpriced Hot Topic exclusive merch pre-order that perforates through your wallet, but for the few of you neckbearded, Warped Tour vets who decided to read on, we ranked all five of Pierce the Veil’s LPs below. Yes, the band has more than one song, and no, you’re not original with that zinger, so please take a stab at another hilarious joke in the comments.
5. A Flair for the Dramatic (2007)
2007 was a strange, strange year for music and fashion in the hard rock world. My Chemical Romance-influenced guyliner slowly started to disappear to the end from Warped Tour kids in favor of way-too-tight t-shirts with bright colors and obnoxiously happy dinosaurs going “RAWR.” Yes. Dinosaurs. Yes. RAWR. No. You should be ashamed of yourself if you partook in this trend. Basically, this time period foreshadowed a dark-in-the-corniest way aggressive musical future moving forward in spite of (mice & men) and its vomit-inducing neon colors. Pierce the Veil is objectively cheesy, especially at its beginning, but definitely one of the less cringey of the pack; we’re looking at you, crabcore. Hard pass. Still, this debut album is the band’s worst effort and we aren’t taking any more questions on the matter.
Play it again: “Chemical Kids and Mechanical Brides”
Skip it: “She Sings in the Morning”
4. Misadventures (2016)
Taking a high-school-length break between albums makes sense for Pierce the Veil in a theoretical form given singer/guitarist Vic Fuentes’ grating-to-some soprano voice and the band’s obnoxiously loud-to-all pre-pubescent fan base. Anyway, between its breakout and yet-to-be-mentioned 2012 effort “Collide with the Sky,” PTV released the aptly and appropriately titled “Misadventures” in 2016, proving that a surprisingly long and four-year strong break isn’t always worth the effort. Bada Bing! Wit a Pipe! Puberty has its literal growing pains, and this album contains some tracks that stupid idiot superfans of the band will love, but it isn’t a gold medal ribbon-winning and consistent front-to-back listen for any outside of those circles.
Play it again: “Circles”
Skip it: “Sambuka”
3. The Jaws of Life (2023)
Speaking of something long (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID), 2023’s “The Jaws of Life” came out seven years after “Misadventures,” which is the combined amount of time that a 2.0-GPA student goes through college and law school, and extremely atypical for other bands in the similar flash-in-the-pan nu-screamo world. Fans of this LP will likely call this record the band’s most progressive one, but if we have to read one more article about a band’s newest record being their most mature album, we will act very, very justifiably immature and call the guilty writers and listeners poo-poo-pee-pee heads. Shit’s lazy and overdone. Still, “The Jaws of Life” is very likely the band’s best album for non-listeners who wouldn’t give more than five seconds to a prior PTV album. This one snugly feels closer to ‘90s flannel than the four other releases and was clearly influenced by much, much, much, much better music, as evidenced by its finest composition and best song title below. Milk it.
Play it again: “Pass the Nirvana”
Skip it: “Irrational Fears – Interlude”
2. Selfish Machines (2010)
The band’s last effort on Equal Vision Records, 2010’s “Selfish Machines,” shreds harder than both Bebop and Rocksteady ever could or should, and is a fan favorite that will likely enrage ardent Pierce the Veil obsessors for this silver medal slot when it should’ve gone gold in more ways than one; if you think otherwise about its ranking, please stay away from my friends. Seriously, creep(s). This sophomore release proved the popular expression that timing is everything, and a feature from the then-stratospherically-rising A Day To Remember helped ensure that the PTV’s next album would have more eyes and ears on it. Insert sell-out joke here.
Play it again: “Besitos”
Skip it: “Southern Constellations” (seriously, why wasn’t track 2 just combined with track 3 into one slightly longer tune; idiots)
1. Collide with the Sky (2012)
Since record sales solely gauge a record’s worth, 2012’s “Collide with the Sky” showcases Pierce the Veil’s finest hour at forty-six minutes and fourteen seconds, and is overall their best and least amount of filler LP. Like we said several times throughout this piece, stop trying hard to disagree by ranking its two predecessors higher, you misguided, off-base morons are trying too damn hard to be punk in a world that truly isn’t. Sorry not sorry. Basically, the band moved from a cult favorite second-of-four opening act to a solid big room headliner with its release, and the band’s third album had a minor hit with its O-Town and 2gether collaboration song “King For A Day.”
Play it again: “Bulls In The Bronx”
Skip it: The First Punch”