This album ranking piece may cause you to disappear, devastate the ozone, murder someone to see if you can resurrect ‘em, rebrand your persona, and invite everyone you know to a party that doesn’t exist. Yes, Phantom Planet has more than one song, in fact they have many, and no, “The Guest” isn’t their only album, and “California” isn’t their only song. And yes, well-known nepo baby Jason Schwartzman was their drummer for nearly a decade in their early years, but we aren’t going to focus on that. People in and outside Orange County love the eff this creative and oft-slept upon group to everyone but you; something is wrong here, but it’s nobody’s fault but YOUR own.
5. Phantom Planet Is Missing (1998)
Debut albums are tough to be objective about, but if both PP and Kara’s Flowers hopped into a Time Machine and saw where they ended up 2002 and beyond, no one would be missing, amirite? Adam Levine needs to get a tattoo of this album’s cover art on his lower back stat! Anyway, “Phantom Planet Is Missing,” the band’s lone ’90s LP, is a fun listen front to back, and quite impressive because everyone in the band were just kids, but it sadly doesn’t hold up to the rest of their catalog, which isn’t a bad thing, as the band truly progressed and improved! Don’t get down on us for spilling the tea about this disjointed listen that is slightly all over the place, and don’t get down on 1998’s Phantom Planet because they were young and impressionable; to butcher Less Than Jake, “that’s the impression that we get”.
Play it again: “The Local Black And Red”
Skip it: About ⅓ of this LP
4. Devastator (2020)
Like we said, debut albums may be tough to be objective about, but comeback albums are even crazier to spout rhetoric about, especially when it is regarding a band’s first LP in twelve years, making said record delay just one year shy of a Bar Mitzvah boy’s lifespan and almost as shy as he is on the dance floor with pungent cocktail shrimp breath. Still, the opening track “BALISONG” is quite a song, and enough of a reason for said LP to be ranked higher than the band’s debut studio album; through the trees, you may soak us in either Gold or Axe rank spank bank Hoobastank body spray for publicly saying such in such an incredible outlet, but like demigod Rivers Cuomo once sang in a posthumous ballad, “You know you’re wrong.” In closing, this album’s cover art is badass, and we don’t know what “ROTK” means.
Play it again: “Balisong”
Skip it: “Gold Body Spray”
3. Raise the Dead (2008)
Fueled by Ramen Records had quite a stronghold on the globe in 2008 with acts like Fall Out Boy, Panic (without an exclamation point) at the Disco, Paramore, and pop punk mainstays Bell Biv DeVoe leading the charge on or around TRL, so it seemed that Phantom Planet was destined for stadiums by signing with said label, but it just wasn’t in the cards for the band, and “Raise the Dead” became their lone FBR release before a hiatus the very year it was released. Pity. As they often do, eventually this record became a cult hit amongst dorks and ultra-dorks alike yearning to do the panic in or outside their great aunt Marla’s basement; yes, all of these dweebs shared the same great aunt and/or a great aunt named Marla. If you want to help this record’s legacy, literally raise the dead and spin it now.
Play it again: “Leader”
Skip it: “Confess”
2. Self-Titled (2004)
Phantom Planet’s third and self-titled LP without question lost many jabberjaw fans with their new dirty garage influence, but we will die on this hill: This record is one of the more slept-upon records of the aughts. Producer Dave Fridmann, who previously sat behind the boards for four hipster bible albums: Mogwai’s gold-certified “Rock Action,” Sparklehorse’s slowcore classic “It’s a Wonderful Life,” The cool (The) Flaming Lips classic “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots,” and most/least importantly, the soundtrack to “The Passion of the Christ”; Jesus. If you still don’t get why we place this album in such high regard, spin tracks 1-4 right now, and realize that your crappy band could never even. Zombies may have eaten your neighbors and attention span, but PP’s self-titled effort should provide full bellies and Adderall for those focusing on shiny lights.
Play it again: “Badd Business”
Skip it: “You’re Not Welcome Here” purely because it isn’t welcome on Spotify or Apple Music for some reason
1. The Guest (2002)
Before we discuss whether you dumbos believe that “The Guest” is a sophomore slump or comeback of the year, of which you should know the correct answer to, we must say two things: 1) The bassline for “Lonely Day” rivals many James Jamerson basslines, and that is a not hyperbole. 2) The current Phantom Planet lineup which includes Alex “I Was In Donnie Darko” Greenwald on vocals/rhythm guitar/various other stringed and non-stringed instruments, Sam “I Am In Maroon 5” Farrar on the aforementioned bass, Darren “I Am Not Mrs.” Robinson on lead guitar/oohs, and Jeff “Big City Rock In A Bigger City That Has A Lot Of Freeways But Nothing Free” Conrad. Also, “The Guest” is a “play it again” album as a whole sans any “skip it” tracks, and “Tchad” is a weird way to spell a name regardless if it’s for a Blake or not.
Play it again: Fox television programming in it’s prime
Skip it: Fox News always