Look, I know that most of you only clicked on this ranking for the tits, it’s why I decided to write the dang thing. But if you look very closely, you might also notice that there are words in between those tits where I talk about the Dwarves albums which, for the past thirty-seven years, have also been largely sandwiched between tits – big, bountiful, blood-spattered tits. Here is our definitive ranking of every Dwarves album, perverts.
11. Toolin’ For a Warm Teabag (1988)
Just calling this one an album is generous in pretty much every way. Seven songs in just over seven minutes is short even by Dwarves standards. And the fact that all of them just sound like someone threw a bunch of aluminum tubes down an elevator shaft doesn’t make for a good record, and barely passes for a low budget “we made it shitty on purpose” punk record.
Play it again: Might as well be the whole fucking record considering it’ll take less time to listen to it than it does to take a piss.
Skip it: Skipping the whole thing is a good option as well, however.
10. Sugarfix (1993)
The first album not to feature HeWhoCannotBeNamed on guitar after his brutal murder by stabbing, “Sugarfix” really shows the loss his influence has with the band. At the very least we can all be grateful that HeWho dramatically rose from the grave shortly thereafter to take over the role again like a guitar-shredding satanic christ – at which point, SubPop promptly told the entire band to “fuck right off.”
Play it again: “Saturday Night”
Skip it: “Action Man”
9. Take Back the Night (2018)
“Take Back the Night” listens like a “previously on…” recap for the last episode of a TV show that hasn’t been any good for three seasons now. It hits on a lot of Dwarves staples but none with enough depth or fresh perspective to leave any lasting impression. Ultimately it just makes the listener feel like the band would just make the jump to a feature length format already (that TV show analogy is still holding up, right?).
Play it again: “Nowhere Fast”
Skip it: “Down and Dirty”
8. Horror Stories (1986)
I was gonna kick this review off with something like “it sure is… a horror story… I mean this album… is a horror story… eh?” But besides that joke being beyond any semblance of stupid the truth is this album isn’t all that bad. It’s not good by any stretch, especially when the Dwarves have done the same thing better so many other times. But if you’re a hardcore Dwarves-head (fuck, I hope that isn’t actually a thing) then this album with probably make you smile.
Play it again: “Sometimes Gay Boys Don’t Wear Pink”
Skip it: “Love Gestapo”
7. The Dwarves Are Born Again (2011)
Technically speaking, after twenty-five years of consistently putting out a diverse collection of albums, pretty much anything could be considered a return to form. All the same, “The Dwarves Are Born Again” births the band back to the early thrash umbilical cord they had long since cut themselves from. It may not have the same impact as those first records, but does what it sets out to do, and in this case that’s enough.
Play it again: “You’ll Never Take Us Alive”
Skip it: “Fake ID”
6. Thank Heaven For Little Girls (1991)
Listening to “Thank Heaven For Little Girls” has the same equivalent effect of taking a cattle prod jolt to the scrotum. It’s a quick burst of shock rock, intentional offense with no real subtext, but after it’s over you get to laugh and enjoy the experience like the low-rent “Jackass” crew of a person you are. No, THFLG isn’t gonna win any subtlety contests, but thank fuck for that because what the hell even is a “subtlety contest” – that sounds insane.
Play it again: “Fuck ‘Em All”
Skip it: “Three Seconds”
5. The Dwarves Must Die (2004)
After a few years hiatus and a “greatest hits” record which omitted some of the band’s best material, the Dwarves came back with incredibly creatively sprawling and energetically fierce “Must Die.” It ended up becoming the last album they would release for nearly eight years after. And while I’m glad it wasn’t, if “Must Die” turned out to be the final nail in the Dwarves dick-shaped coffin, I think I could have been alright with them going out like that.
Play it again: “The Dwarves Must Die”
Skip it: “Blast”
4. The Dwarves Invented Rock & Roll (2014)
With age can come great insight. And in the immortal words of Blag Dahlia, “We are the sluts of the USA, we are the sluts of the USA. And we can suck and we can fuck and we can bust a nut. We wouldn’t have it any other way.” The Dwarves may not have actually invented rock and roll, but as a band they certainly personify the spirit of the genre. And this album is a strong example of the energy and attitude that makes punk rock so compelling in the first place.
Play it again: “Trailer Trash”
Skip it: “Irresistible”
3. Come Clean (2000)
“Come Clean” is a weird album, and I totally get that some of you have already fled to the comments section to tell me what a jackass I am for ranking it this high. But much like the Dwarves when they recorded this album, I don’t give a fuck what you expect from me. It’s a bold choice for a band to spend years writing the most offensive shit they can think of (and believe me, there’s still plenty of that here), but then shift gears into what is basically angry dance-pop. And by that metric alone, “Come Clean” absolutely deserves the number three spot in this ranking.
Play it again: “Better Be Women”
Skip it: “Production Value”
2. Blood Guts & Pussy (1990)
SPIN magazine once called this record “the most offensive album ever made,” which is high praise when we’re talking about Dwarves albums. “Blood Guts & Pussy” is a thirteen-minute-long rail of cocaine that you don’t even realize you’ve done the whole thing until it’s three days later, you haven’t slept, and the garbled caterwauling of “Motherfucker” is still driving you to find another fix. You can be offended all you want at this record, but you can’t ever deny that it just plain fucking rocks
Play it again: “Drug Store”
Skip it: “Insect Whore”
1. The Dwarves Are Young and Good Looking (1997)
Perfection has never been anything the Dwarves strove to achieve – you could even make the argument that they actively fought against perfection for their entire career. But, well, “The Dwarves Are Young and Good Looking” is fucking perfect. It hits that sweet spot between the gnarled “fuck you!” that was “Blood Guts & Pussy” and the pop heavy danceability of “Come Clean.” It represents a band that is in its “we have the exact right amount of our shit together to make an amazing record but we still need a floor to crash on” phase of their existence. “The Dwarves Are Young and Good Looking” soundly solidifies that the band will, in truth, be young and good looking forever.
Play it again: “Everybodies Girl”
Skip it: I’m gonna say “Demonica.” I don’t actually think it’s a skip, but I kinda wanna see what everybody has to say about that choice.