15. Edge of the Axe (1988)
This movie does a lot with its miniscule budget, and it’s available on Tubi, so it can be watched on your miniscule budget.
14. Pin: A Plastic Nightmare (1988)
A slasher movie with a paranormal slant that keeps you guessing throughout. Then, it ends, and your questions are answered. Then you look at the time and think “I should try to be productive today.” You spend an hour or so trying to decide what to do, and then you say fuck it and put on another horror movie. And the cycle continues.
13. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
The original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” has a frame from the original negative on display at the Museum of Modern Art, and while this bonkers sequel isn’t necessarily worthy of that sort of legacy, it’s great in its own right. When given the impossible task of creating a sequel as terrifying and iconic as the original “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” Toby Hooper took the only approach he could think of—don’t even try. Sort of like how you approach job hunting. The result of both is a delightful, off-the-rails, but ultimately unsustainable movie/human being.
12. Pieces (1982)
For many, “Pieces” is the creme-de-la-creme of weird Italian slasher movies. For you, it’s background noise as you smoke pot in the middle of the day and let ADHD paralysis take hold.
11. Alone in the Dark (1982)
What do Jack Palance, Donald Pleasence, and Martin Landau all have in common? They’re all screen legends, they’re all in this movie, and unlike you, they were all highly employable. This movie sees Donald Pleasence playing a psychiatrist so inept he makes Sam Loomis look like Carl Jung, and he still has a job, what’s your excuse?
10. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1995)
Okay, yes, we’re breaking the rules here, the fourth Texas Chainsaw movie came out well into the ’90s, but it is criminally underseen. Robot leg Matthew McConaughey, Leatherface embraces their feminine side, the introduction of a shadowy cult that acts as the Sawyer family’s benefactors for some reason, there is so much to love about this movie and if you’re reading this list you probably have time to check it out on your phone on a coffee shop’s wifi.
9. Madman (1982)
Like “The Burning,” this movie draws from the Cropsy legend. It doesn’t enjoy quite the same cult status as that movie, which is a shame, because “Madman” is great in its own right. Its delivery of the familiar “campfire legend proves true” trope is particularly innovative. Plus, you don’t have a job, and if you watch another episode of “Rick and Morty” in a row you’re officially spiraling, so give “Madman” a chance.
8. Motel Hell (1980)
This one is a true gem. It’s one of those movies that walks to line between being a parody of slasher movies and being an amazing slasher movie. We don’t want to give too much away, we’ll just say there’s a sinister reason customers find Farmer Vincent’s meats to be the best thing they’ve ever tasted. His methods are macabre and unorthodox, but if only you had an ounce of his business savvy!
7. Clownhouse (1989)
If you’ve even heard of this infamous movie outside of this list congratulations, you’re a level 5 degenerate. The film itself is relatively tame, and notable only for being Sam Rockwell’s first starring role. The real horror here is the director and the fact that he is still allowed to work. Victor Salva pleaded guilty to sexual misconduct with one of the young stars of “Clownhouse,” and the controversy resulted in the film being shelved. Then he was allowed to make the “Jeepers Creepers” movies. Don’t ask us how that works. Since this film is hard to track down, you might be tempted to put watching it under the “Special Skills/Awards” section of a resume. Don’t.
6. The Prowler (1981)
This one was directed by Joseph Zito, and its innovative kill sequences landed him at the helm of “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.” Hilariously, that’s only the 4th entry in a 12-movie franchise, but you don’t have a job, so you already knew that.
5. Stagefright (1987)
Our favorite Giallo on this list is certainly nothing new under the sun—a group of people are locked in a building with an escaped lunatic. It’s your standard “Halloween” knockoff but with peak Euro-cheesiness and a theater setting that lends itself to some highly stylized murder. If you’re currently spending your weekday afternoon eating Cheetos during your third “Sopranos” rewatch, mix things up a little, and throw on “Stagefright.”
4. Phenomena (1985)
While this Argento entry has some supernatural elements, the conflict revolves around a classic Giallo-type black glove killer. Starring Jennifer Connelly a year before “Labyrinth” came out, the film centers around a boarding school student with the ability to control insects with her mind, but she’s not the villain. She uses her powers to help track down a serial killer, aided by Donald Pleasence and a super-intelligent chimp. It’s a wild ride, and as someone whose lifestyle does not require you to know what day of the week it is, you have time to take it!
3. Blood Rage (1986)
“Blood Rage” is known for being one of the few horror movies set at Thanksgiving, but it’s more than that. It takes the familiar “Escaped lunatic on a murder spree” formula and turns it on its head in a very fun way. This movie will keep you entertained from the moment you decide you’ll fill out that job application later until it ends and you decide it’s late and that job application can wait till tomorrow.
2. The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)
With its ridiculous guitar drill and over-the-top musical murder number “The Slumber Party Massacre 2” is probably the most-watched entry in the franchise, but don’t sleep on the original! It was written by a feminist trying to make a parody of cheesy slashers that showcased women’s breasts and directed by someone who very much wanted to make a cheesy slasher that showcases women’s breasts. The result was one of the most delightfully unbalanced horror movies ever made. Once you see it you won’t be able to make it through another job interview without somehow blurting “See, the drill is supposed to be like his penis.”
1. Intruder (1989)
Set on an overnight inventory shift at a grocery store, “Intruder” is sort of like the weird black sheep slasher cousin of “Evil Dead.” It was written and directed by long-time Sam Raimi collaborator Scott Spiegel, and the cast includes Sam Raimi himself, along with his brother Ted Raimi and Bruce Campbell. The film doesn’t quite reach the heights of “Evil Dead” and has a definite film school project feel, but a good film school project. It’s a movie that often reaches for greatness and in certain moments gets damned close. You might find it a little inaccessible because it’s about a group of young people capable of holding down a job, but if you can get over that, “Intruder” is worth your time.
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