15. Referee
This costume requires very little effort on your part if you live in a sports-centric area whose townspeople either don’t trust refs or need them to be at the game that evening. But if you’re not promptly excused, just show the judge the different flags you plan to throw out every time the lawyers make a bad play. Because really, what are jurors if not the referees of court?
14. Judge
Is there a law that says you can’t dress as a judge while serving jury duty? Probably not, but there’s still a high probability they will hate this and disallow it. You could even go full Judge Mathis or Judge Judy, and really ham it up by saying something like, “civic duty, overruled—potential juror dismissed.” *Bangs gavel*
13. Doctor
Having a doctor’s note is one way to get out of jury duty, so why not write your own? If you get nervous, just remind yourself plenty of real doctors write their own prescriptions all the time, and only get caught sometimes.
12. Ken
Most days, Ken’s job is just Beach. Today, Ken’s job is just Evade Civic Duty. Remind the judge it’s illegal to make you wear a shirt, and when they double down, ask if they believe in the First Amendment. That should have you on your way quickly.
11. Priest
Sure, you could go the religious exemption route and take the time to write a statement about why your devout Catholic beliefs conflict with your ability to jury a misdemeanor shoplifting case, or you could simply rest easy in knowing the legal system lets priests leave just about every time one appears in court.
10. Pirate
Anyone who’s been convicted of a felony or perjury is ineligible to be on a jury, and that’s like… a pirate’s whole thing. One would assume that your eye patch, peg leg, and chosen hat would suffice, but if they’re not enough, it’s best to have an unauthorized skull and crossbones flag ready to wave and a little speech about landlubbers walking planks.
9. Cereal Killer
If you impale a bunch of miniature cereal boxes with plastic knives and string them around your neck, then say you’re dressed as a “cereal killer,” you are a mega fucking nerd. However, even though you’ve been too busy crafting to commit crimes, the not-so-subliminal messaging of this costume could make the judge just uncomfortable enough to send you home.
8. Cop
By law, police officers are not *wink* exempt *wink* from jury service *wink.* So if you choose to dress up as one, be prepared to fulfill your civil responsibility and to be held accountable for your actions. *WINK*
7. Mime
Getting a jury to reach a unanimous verdict is difficult under normal circumstances, so imagine if one guy insisted on making a game of charades out of the whole thing by refusing to speak. When you walk into a courthouse as a proper mime, you let everyone know that that’s exactly what you intend to do. The only room you’ll be getting stuck in today is one of your own creation.
6. Grapes
Get yourself two to three dozen purple or green balloons, blow them up and tie them off, then safety pin the tails to the front and back of a shirt and pair of shorts. Slip those over your body and voila, you’re grapes. The minute you sit down on the juror bench, those balloons are gonna start popping, and rumor has it court officials hate when loud sounds pop off in the building. Consider yourself dismissed!
5. Borat
First of all, everyone knows Borat is not a U.S. Citizen, so that should give you an instant exemption. But, if they say “you’re just wearing a costume,” you say, “do not try shrink me gypsy.” Then do a little impression of the judge with a “king in the castle, king in the castle” and enjoy the rest of your day not on a jury. Great success.
4. Sexy Maid
Today we are taking a break from feminism to elude our civic duties, and that is just fine. In fact, this Halloween classic of a costume works no matter what your pronouns are, so long as you can squeeze your gams into a pair of fishnet stockings and walk in heels. You’ll be dismissed before you even have a chance to dust the judge’s bench.
3. Oppenheimer
Lucky for you, this is the only year you can dress as J. Robert Oppenheimer and have people recognize the effort. And even luckier, saying “I invented the atomic bomb” is a foolproof way to get escorted out of a government building.
2. Donald Trump
Some would argue that this is in bad taste, and they would be correct. But, if you’re willing to take an orange highlighter to the surface area of your face, reporting for jury duty dressed as the indicted former president is a clusterfuck of conflicted interests sure to have you sent home. Tremendous day. Very great!
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
As we’ve learned, to serve jury duty you must be a human U.S. Citizen over the age of twenty-one, and even if Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael weren’t teenaged Italian turtles, reporting to the courthouse with a katana, bō, or nunchucks is bound to get you dismissed. Cowa-fucking-bunga.
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