Green Day are one of the few punk bands to achieve and maintain mainstream success for decades. Because of this, it’s almost a guarantee that your mother has listened to some of this music, and as luck would have it we had your mother compile a list of 20 Green Day songs that she doesn’t seem to be able to tell apart. (Listen to the playlist as you read)
20. “One Of My Lies”
Ok, I think I like this. It’s so catchy. I don’t approve of him saying he likes to “get real high” though. I thought these guys were one of those straight edger bands you used to listen to? Are you still a straight edger? Didn’t I see you drinking wine at your cousin’s wedding last summer? Good for you, you don’t want to be a weirdo.
19. “Having A Blast”
Ok now wait a minute, mister. This isn’t the same song we just listened to? It almost seems like it is. I see this song is from some album called… “Dookie”? Now why would they do that? Why would they call an album “Dookie”? What would their mothers say about that? You’re not selling too many records with a name like “Dookie,” that’s for sure.
18. “Jaded”
This is a new song? It sounds just like the last one. Maybe it is a little faster. Too fast for me, honestly. I guess I missed the last song ending because I was looking at Facebook. Your Aunt Connie just posted pictures of her trip to Italy. Eck, I would love to get away on a trip like that, but it seems too hot there. Did you see her photos? What do you mean you’re not on Facebook anymore? It’s alright I’ll print them out for you.
17. “Give Me Novacaine / She’s A Rebel”
Ok, now here we go. This is a different-sounding song. I really like the melody but do the drums have to be so loud? Oh, this is actually two songs and the second one is starting… Now wait a second! This “She’s A Rebel” thing sounds exactly like that other band you used to like. What were they called? The Jawbreakers? Yeah, this sounds just like The Jawbreakers! Jeesh, can’t these guys write an original song?
16. “Welcome To Paradise”
“Welcome To Paradise”? This must be about your Aunt Connie’s trip to Tuscany! (Don’t let me forget to show you those pictures!) These lyrics though: “Dear mother can you hear me whining?” Yeah, I’m sure she hears you whining, you do it on every song! Maybe if you didn’t have blue hair or whatever you could get a job and not live in such a bad neighborhood. I bet they had to move back in with their parents after their music career ended. That’s not to say we wouldn’t let you move back in with us. You’re welcome home anytime, pumpkin.
15. “American Idiot”
Isn’t this still the paradise song? It sounds just like it. Oh my God, did he just use THAT word about gay people?! You know I hate that word. What is this song even about? “Redneck agenda”? What does that mean? This guy singing is the real idiot if you ask me.
14. “Brat”
This sounds just like the “American Idiot” song! “Mom and Dad don’t look so hot these days”? Well, speak for yourself, mister. Speaking of which your father just got himself a Peloton and has been riding this thing every day, it’s driving me nuts. He has lost some weight though. Have you been eating by the way? You look too skinny.
13. “2000 Light Years Away”
Oh, you used to listen to this one all the time because you were sad about that girl you asked out to see one of those Matrix movies but she didn’t show up. You were so emo back then. What? Your mother’s not allowed to use the word “emo”? I’m still with it, Buster. I just listened to a podcast with that skateboarder Tony Hawks. Did you know he’s been married three times? How does he afford the child support? He can’t be making that much as a skateboarder, I’ll tell you that much.
12. “Jinx”
Who is this guy singing anyway? What? Billy Joel? Don’t be silly. Billy Joel sings the song about the piano. Your Aunt Connie met him years ago when she was out in The Hamptons. She said he was there with a woman but it wasn’t his wife. You know the one… ugh, what was her name? She was a model. She was in that awful movie with the family that goes on Vacation. Was it called Vacation? Kristen Brimely or something?
11. “Only Of You”
I know I already said this, but didn’t we just listen to this one? Didn’t these guys learn how to play any other notes or whatever? These guys are nothing like The Beatles. Now THERE is good music! “Here comes the sun doo doo doo-doo.” I’ll take The Beatles over The Green Days any day. And you need to call me more.
10. “Outsider”
Oh, good grief. Another song about being a loner and an outsider. I’m not buying it. These guys must’ve made at least a million dollars by now. You know who was a real outsider? Jesus. You should think about that, mister rock and roll. When was the last time you went to church, by the way?
9. “Let Yourself Go”
Now we definitely heard this one before, right? This sounds so familiar. And speaking of which, you know who has really let themselves go? Aunt Connie. I think she’s just given up on finding a man, honestly.
8. “Disappearing Boy”
Disappearing boy? Yeah right, this guy’s not a boy. He’s got to be at least thirty. I’m going to look it up. Hey Siri, how old is Billy Joel from The Green Days? Ugh, this thing never understands me. SIRI… BILLY JOEL… THE GREEN DAYS… HOW OLD?
7. “Green Day”
So let me get this straight. They call themselves The Green Days and have a song just called “Green Day”? These punk rock guys are always just trying to be difficult, aren’t they? I mean The Eagles never had a song just called “Eagle” did they?
6. “Look Ma, No Brains!”
Yeah no brains, boy you can say that again! These guys write all these songs that sound the same instead of getting a real job. You were in a band like this when you were young but now you’re an account manager who gets to sit in an office all day wearing a nice shirt and a tie. You must be so glad you gave up your dreams of becoming punk rock stars like these guys.
5. “Do Da Da”
Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me, Do da da? I think these guys have smoked too many pot bongs. And I know I sound like a broken record here but ALL THESE SONGS SOUND THE SAME! OH WHOOPS, I SOMEHOW MADE ALL THE LETTERS UPPERCASE. HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP? SHOOT. HEY SIRI, HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPITAL LETTERS ON KEYBOARD? SIRI… CAPITAL LETTERS… TURN OFF.
4. “Too Much Too Soon”
This sounds like all their other songs (of course, LOL!) But I do like the lyrics to it. “She’s always living like she’s running out of time / Too much just ain’t enough to keep her satisfied / And her plastic card is filled with nothing comes to mind” You know who these lyrics remind me of? Your cousin Jessica. Oh, and also Aunt Connie. But then they have to say the F-word again and ruin it.
3. “Who Wrote Holden Caulfield?”
Excuse me, you dumb dumbs but Holden Caulfield is not the name of a book. Holden Caulfield is the main character in “The Catcher in the Rye,” ostensibly a coming-of-age tale that delves into themes of isolation and existential angst told from the point of view of an unreliable narrator through which J.D. Salinger exorcizes the trauma he suffered while witnessing the horrors of World War II. Me and Aunt Connie read it in our book club. I can’t say I enjoyed reading it but oh, I loved the cabernet we drank as we discussed it. Yum!
2. “Sex, Drugs & Violence”
Honestly, I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. Did these guys just write one song thirty years ago and just change the title each time? And look at this! Sex, Drugs, & Violence. Three subjects these punkers just can’t seem to get enough of. Don’t they ever just want to write a decent song about holding hands with a girl or eating a nice piece of fruit or something?
1. “Christie Rd.”
Oh, thank God, we’ve come to the end of this whole thing. Oh my, what a day. I need to lie down after this. We just got one of those Purple mattresses and it is just heaven. I heard an ad for it when I was listening to that podcast with Tony Hawks. Anyhoo, this song… I actually like this song. Seems like this guy misses going to some road and just loitering around or something? I don’t know, I’m at my wit’s end, I really am. But this is a nice song, Christie Rd. Oh… Christie Brinkleys! That’s who Billy Joel was married to!