War. What is it good for? Well, occasionally it can inspire some pretty so-so punk melodies at the mere cost of a few thousand human lives. Here’s 10 tragic atrocities that helped create forgettable toe-tapping punk tunes.
The Syrian Civil War
Mainstream sellouts The Roofscoofs basically ripped off their local news producer’s copy when they penned the classist but catchy “I Believe We Can Find a Way,” which does not seem to be in support of or against anything and, in fact, seems to have absolutely no understanding of the war whatsoever.
The War on Drugs
When sentient heaps of quaaludes began overthrowing every world government, the military responded in force. So did many punk bands, with opinion divided on either side of the conflict. Some, like staright edge hardcore outfit Stiffle Piss, supported the military with the song “We Fucking Told You Drugee Fucks This Would Happen.” Meanwhile, thrash stalwarts The Tasteless Assholes took the drugs side, going so far as to write the historically accurate song “Self-Aware Heroin Stabbed the President In His Dickhole,” which actually occurred twice on two non-consecutive occasions.
The Boko Haram Insurgency
If you reading this are well and truly honest with yourself then you will admit that you have absolutely no idea what this conflict is about. But that hasn’t stopped several punk artists from penning confusing lyrics about the Boko Haram Insurgency. This includes prolific folk-punk singer Ricky Gutless, whose protest song “Bring Back the Crack and Those Girls You Kidnapped” clocks in at six minutes, five chords, and 37 very forced slant rhymes with the names of Nigerian cities.
World War I
Though often overshadowed by its showoff, jockish sibling World War II, The Great War, as it was called, has still inspired some decent punk tunes of its own. This is no more apparent than on Rocket Dojo’s song “Trenchfoot In Mouth,” whose repetitive melodies and gray, uninspired lyrics seem to truly capture the essence of man’s inhumanity to man.
The Spanish-American War
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when punk started, though most music historians point to 1890s calliope pioneer Crackers Cobblesworth McGillicutty with his relative hit “Teddy Roosevelt Can Suck a Big Ol’ Bag of Buffalo Balls,” which the future president reportedly found to be “quite cantankerous and droll… like, if I’m I really gonna fuck with some shit… wait, did you write that last part down.”
The War of the Worlds
Orson Welles 1938 radio drama wasn’t the only War of the Worlds to cause mass hysteria and unregulated suicide. During the brief, intergalactic wars of 1983 between invading extraterrestrials from The Planet of Cows and a global coalition of space navies led by Finland, countless punk bands tentatively embraced patriotism. Pro-Earth songs of the times include Stale Eyeballs’ “President Alien,” Brummers’ “No Cows In My Squat,” and The Silly Boners’ “Just ‘Cause My Dick’s Already Green Don’t Mean I Fuck With Y’all.” Truly a pointless time to be alive.
The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
This ongoing and deeply frustrated conflict has long been a source of influence for activist punks to woefully misunderstand. For instance, Sweet Sabbath’s controversial single “I Get a Hard On For Zion,” which appears to espouse that the band believes the territorial maelstrom is predicated on some sort of landlord dispute, briefly created common ground by offending both sides equally.
The Vietnam War
Though usually associated with the hippie movement, the conflict in Vietnam actually served as the inspiration for some of the earliest punk bands on the scene. Such was true for proto-punk outfit Death From the Side with their single “Napalm In the Evening, Napalm At Suppertime,” which was later ripped off and pacified by the guy who wrote the Bagel Bites jingle.
Cola War
Most punk bands took the Pepsi side in this atrocity as Coca Cola’s CEO at the time was a literal wheelbarrow full of reeking money. The lone detractors were pop-punk outfit The Chaperones with the earworm “New Coke’s For Friendly Folks.” The track espoused the restorative properties of the landmark soft drink while also claiming its sugary denseness helped “heal the heart you tore apart, Amanda.” In hindsight, it’s actually a bit of a downer.
Future War
Just because it hasn’t happened yet hasn’t stopped numerous artists from speculating wildly about what the next big global apocalypse may be. Here’s a handful of current punk songs that might be the precursor to the end of mankind:
The Flannel Cops – “Don’t Fuck Me, Luxembourg”
Runny Buns – “The Day Second Hitler Farted”
The Brokeners – “BEES! BEES!”
Dr. Batman – “We Support the Clown Mafia”
Clobber Gutter – “This Nunnery Stinks Like Napalm”
On the Bend – “Tropical Satan”
Sloppy Cram – “Hail, Overlord Hootie!”
Sniff – “Who Wants a Golden Brainbug For Christmas?”
Land Spencer – “The Probiotics Turned On Us”
The Ashtray Buffers – “Doom From the Deep”
The Brokeners – “SHRIMP! IT’S SHRIMP THIS TIME!”
Crapclap – “Superman’s Real and He’s Super Pissed Off”
The Butlers – “I Didn’t Know Soviets Could Be Hot”
Joey Crackster – “Mo’ Dimension Beasts Mo’ Problems”
Old Long Slap – “Fell Asleep In Spain, Woke Up In Montana”
Working Cad – “Home Depot, Motherfuckers!”
The Dead Butts – “It Was All Steve’s Idea”
Unboobied – “Texas? More Like ‘Shmexas!’ (But Seriously, Please Release All Those Women Back To Their Homes. It’s Weird That, With All Your Power, You Just Make Them Play Softball Constantly)”
Blanket Space – “Oh Shit! Those Cow Aliens Came Back!”
Uptown Bitch – “We Didn’t Even Know Jamaica Had An Army”
The Brokeners – “BEES! IT’S BEES AGAIN!”
WonkaWonkaWonka – “The Toad People Took My Toddler To the Re-Education Center”