Woah there, chief. Where you going so fast wearing that Misfits shirt like you ain’t got a care in the world? Bet you fancy yourself a real punk, huh? A real John Vicious? Yeah, that’s right. His REAL NAME was John so I call him John. Well, if you’re so goddamn punk, then I demand you name all the bands. I’ll wait.
OK, you got a few so far, but those were some easy ones. Green Day? Pssh. Rancid? Yeah, I remember them.
While you’re prattling on I’ll say this: You are NOT the King of Punk until you’re done naming ALL the bands. And you still haven’t even gotten to Dropdead or Yellowcard yet. I’ll be back in a sec, just need to pick up a Starbucks. Oh, and guess what? You’ll NEVER be the KING of punk because punk is all about anarchy, which means NO kings. Lesson learned? Trick question, junior! Learning is NOT punk.
OK, I’m back. The line wasn’t too long. Think I heard you say Crass. That’s a good one. Really punk. Naked Aggression, Blink-182, yeah, them too. What about Fall Out Boy and The Degenerics? Oh, you’re weren’t done yet? My bad.
You lost points for not referring to Social Distortion as Social D. You also missed Nausea and Paramore. Still not done? Jeez, good thing I’m running on punk time.
What about a little band called Rancid, Professor Punk, Ph.D? Oh right, you said Rancid pretty much first. Sorry.
Kinda hungry now. Is that a Pret across the street? Be right back.
Related: My Girlfriend Keeps Talking About The Cramps but Can’t Even Name One of Their Albums
Man, that was tasty. So you forgot Fear, Good Charlotte, and Profits Of Misery, but you nailed Leftover Crack and Taking Back Sunday. You also forgot Intact. They went to my high school and totally had a demo tape and everything. Big whiff there.
Well, I know grading things isn’t punk, but you did alright. A-minus, which you should totally circle like that R.A.M.B.O. song. You don’t know, R.A.M.B.O.? From Philly?! Nevermind, you get a Social D-minus, poser.
You like shirts too? Then name all the shirts:
Article by Mike Civins @FamilyFunberg