If you are in the market for a pinball machine, you are recently divorced. Here’s a rundown of some of the hottest pinball machines on the market and what message they’ll send the world about your new life as a single father.

Indiana Jones

You’re not afraid of a little adventure. You’re the good guy, the original adventure dad. Other adventurers might drive nicer cars, or have “cooler” jobs, but you’ll get in there and get the job done, none the less, and you’ll have a little fun doing it.

Twilight Zone

You’re a storyteller. You can take a little idea, barely a germ of anything, and turn it into a fascinating deconstruction of the human psyche. Everyone loves your stories, even if they’re only getting them every other weekend. Sure, other story tellers might be “upwardly mobile,” or “have a consistent employment history,” but you’ll get the story told and you’ll have a little fun doing it.

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Game of Thrones

You really wish you’d just gotten divorced from your high-born cousin or something. Look, we don’t get to decide. If it were up to us, a Game of Thrones machine would mean you’re looking to go conquering or some shit. But it’s not up to us. If you buy this machine people will think you always wanted to marry a family member and have a little fun doing it.

Lord of the Rings Limited Edition

You sold your wedding ring to buy this machine, and why wouldn’t you? This pinball machine boasts some of the most stunning artwork and intricate play of any officially licensed pinball machine of the new millennium. Also, what use do you have for a wedding band anymore? I’m surprised you had the presence of mind to sell it instead of casting it into the roiling lava of “Mount Doom” that is your ex’s heart, and having a little fun doing it.

We hope this article has helped you figure out which pinball machine best suits you. Best of luck in your newly single life and may the bumpers always give you a good bounce!

Article by David Tyler @david_d_tyler