It was an easy choice for me. After becoming #WOKE to the evils people with white skin have committed, I knew I could no longer be a part of it. Now, you might say, “Brittany, you’re white, you’re from the suburbs, you’ll always be white.” But that’s where you’re wrong.
By giving myself an asymmetrical DIY haircut I have eliminated my white privilege.
My new sharp and angular hair has enabled me to say things on twitter like, “White people must be stopped” without anyone so much as batting an eye. Who cares that my dad owns the 3rd most profitable Toyota dealership in Northwest Ohio? By cutting my bangs awkwardly short I have firmly aligned myself with the marginalized people of this country, and we gonna be alright.
The looks I get at Starbucks when I’m ordering my triple, venti, half-sweet, non-Fat, caramel macchiato are enough to tell me my hair is doing its job. The struggle is real out here for people like us.
So if you’re sick of that icky, non-trending feeling that comes from being white in 2017, just do what I did: Find a pair of scissors and some clippers and get to chopping. The shorter the bangs, the better. If you want to really live on the fringes of society, choose some sort of bastardized bowl cut variation.
You will be sending a very clear message to the world: “I’m not one of THOSE white people. Ugh.” And with some careful social media curation, you will be able to reach full non-whiteness like I have. If someone questions you about your dad’s very successful Toyota dealership, have those accusatory clapbacks ready and no one will be thinking of you as white ever again, sister.