So after weeks of duds and missed connections you’re finally having a good date. You take her out to a decent restaurant, the conversation is flowing well, you’re digging her, you think she’s digging you, but how do you let her know that you’ve got the goods? Look no further than the words of the pussy professor himself, Werner Herzog! Here are the top seven existential contemplations from the Austrian filmmaker to show her exactly what kind of animal you can be in the bedroom!
“The trees here are in misery, and the birds are in misery. I don’t think they sing. They just screech in pain.”
- Subtext: ‘What do you say we get out of here and head on over to my place?’ Women respond to confidence, so you know what? Just put it out there! Use this quote to highlight the ominous dread inherit in your environment and then maybe chime in with, “Hey, I got some killer coffee back at my apartment.”
“Look into the eyes of a chicken and you will see real stupidity. It is a kind of bottomless stupidity, a fiendish stupidity. They are the most horrifying, cannibalistic, and nightmarish creatures in the world.”
- This one great because it can come up organically while browsing the menu, and it’ll have her thinking “Wow, if he sees all of that in a chicken, imagine how creative he is sexually!”
“Do you not then hear this horrible scream all around you that people usually call silence.”
- Definitely wait till the check arrives before you drop this leg spreader because chances are you’re going to get pulled into the nearest available coat closet for god knows how long.
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“I believe the common denominator of the universe is not harmony, but chaos, hostility and murder.”
- Nothing like a little pseudo-Nietzschean pessimism to let her know you’re ready to go all night!
“The universe is monstrously indifferent to the presence of man.”
- In other words, ‘Hey baby, no one else is watching, it’s just you and me spinning around on a marble in a cold indifferent vacuum, so let’s do this!’
“Every man should pull a boat over a mountain once in his life.”
- This implies that you have done this, and who wouldn’t fuck a guy who’s pulled a boat over a mountain? I know I would.
“People think we had a love-hate relationship. Well, I did not love him, nor did I hate him. We had mutual respect for each other, even as we both planned each other’s murder.”
- Intriguing her with the complex minutia of your professional and personal relationship with Klaus Kinski is a sure-fire panty dropper.
Well, that should be all you need to get her on board. And if the Herzog technique of gettin’ some strange does somehow fail you, just remember one more little tidbit from the man himself: “Happiness is a strange notion. I am just not made for it. It has never been a goal of mine; I do not think in those terms.”
Article by Dan Rice: @Danricecomedy