Press "Enter" to skip to content

Man Dead After Being Shot in Ankle Nine Times

THE CITY — A hired goon taking cover behind a crate made a fatal error and left his ankle exposed, leading to nine gun shots in the same spot of his body last night, sources have confirmed. 

“Sluggs ain’t gonna make it,” reported Lewis Hutch, who’d been standing guard outside of his boss’ mansion when the incident occurred. “He made a fatal mistake of letting a little part of his body stick out, and whoever that guy with all the guns was knew exactly how to exploit that — by filling his left foot with enough bullets to kill an entire family.”

Dean Sluggs, a lifelong petty criminal, was taken to Lakeview Memorial Hospital and was pronounced dead from gunshot wounds to the ankle at 11:57PM.

“It’s a hell of a thing,” said medical examiner Allison Simmons. “While it doesn’t house any major organs or anything, enough foot shots will totally kill you. The human body simply cannot withstand that many bullets anywhere. Hands, feet, doesn’t matter. Enough shots and you will die.” 

The fatal error was attributed by coworkers to his inexperience in the field of henchmannery. 

 

“Yeah I don’t know who trained that guy,” said Hutch. “But he didn’t seem adequately prepared for a forty hour week of gun fights and hiding behind shit, not at all. Not letting any of your body parts hang out is one of the most important parts of the job, right up there with chatting with your co-workers and going on a little break every ninety seconds.” 

Not much is known about the suspect, but witnesses that saw the incident speculated that he was either a vigilante hero getting revenge against the crime syndicate that wronged him, or he was just out fucking around and things got out of hand. 

“Hey, that’s life in The City,” said a man that had been standing on the street corner for the last 798 days.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Shop The Hard Drive Webstore Relaunch

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.