In a global attack that exploits a popular file transfer software used by governments and major corporations, a Russian-based ransomware gang accessed data from several U.S. agencies, including the Department of Energy yesterday. Here’s what we know so far:
The hackers obtained video of the entire Department of Energy masturbating to Internet pornography
“iF YOu do n0t PaId us we Wil send VIdEo to Everys enerGy,.. USer in AMeRic?a Yuo NaughtY boY”
This attack represents the greatest threat to national security since our last President
“The biggest threat, the best threat, huge.”
There is to date no evidence that the hackers were working with the Russian government, so we’re still friends!
Or should we say, comrades? LOL, love you Russia! xoxoxo😘😘😘
Government agencies are confident that the weakness exploited by the hackers was neutralized after they went into “settings” and turned the “hackable” tab from “on” to “off”
“They really should make “off” the default.”
The FBI and State Department have declined to comment on whether or not they were affected, something they would TOTALLY do if they weren’t
“MOVE it along, nothing to see here.”
There are concerns that the location of the United States’ Monster Energy Drink Strategic Reserve was included in the stolen data
This could compromise America’s ability to “unleash the beast” in the event of an emergency.
If you used electricity in Vermont between 2007 and 2015 it’s too late, Russian hackers have already seen your bills
Lock your doors, get a gun, and make your peace with God.
The attack has had a negative impact on several healthcare systems, but they were pretty much fucked to begin with
They may actually be better now.
All GPS narration has been replaced by Yakov Smirnoff
“In 800 feet, in Soviet Russia, left turns you?”
US officials promise any future hacks on your data will be done by Americans not Russians
“Or the Chinese, but not Russians!”
While initially perturbed by the attack, officials were excited to learn that they could add inches and girth with just one gummy a day
“We don’t know why “load size” is such a selling point but all in all this is exciting news for the Department of Energy.”