SAN FRANCISCO — Free online encyclopedia Wikipedia known for its convenience, comprehensiveness, depth, and reliability on every subject known to man has mustered the nerve to ask for one whole dollar from its users as a donation, confirmed sources.
“It’s true, I had to close a little box where they were begging for my pocket change before I could read an article on inventors who were killed by their own inventions.” remarked Alice Walsh, an avid Wikipedia user. “Wikipedia has written every one of my school papers since 2005, and I have my masters. I don’t know how anyone knew anything before it existed. Were they all just dumb? It has been nothing but factually correct, helpful, and free for me. But I just can’t seem to bring myself around to donate 100 pennies to it.”
Monica Bart, who serves as a top “Wikipedian” volunteer editor, believes in information access as a free public resource, yet also fears “Wiki crime” is on the rise.
“Do you understand the work it has taken to clean up the slums of Wiki?” Bart exclaimed. “The pages I monitor are constantly being vandalized by strangers with disruptive—often vulgar—edits. Day and night I fight to protect them from becoming a wasteland by these internet scamps, and I don’t see a dime. It is my responsibility to protect and to serve. The least you can do is donate a buck for learning about the origins of high-fiving and a cat mayor in Alaska.”
Brent Wiseman, CEO of the Wiki Foundation, speaks to the difficulty of managing a self-governing online ecosystem used by everyone and paid for by no one.
“I have no idea how we got this far, in this way. However, we would like to have some money now,” Wiseman reported. “Our business is run completely on the goodwill and hyperfixation disorders of complete randos out there. I really have no idea how this place runs, but it’s been too long for me to ask. People have always trusted me because of how I look and I can’t ruin that by asking questions. Regardless, we have other stuff we need money for that you don’t know about. Just trust me, okay?”
At press time, Wikipedia had no choice but to start a GoFundMe page and set the goal to $15.