VAN NUYS, Calif. – Local flavor enthusiast Daniel Wilson proved his dominance to a table of friends by openly declaring his love of spicy food, sources report.
“Yeah, I like my food to have a certain kick,” Wilson said nonchalantly. “I know strangers look at me and think, ‘that guy white guy doesn’t season his food.’ They’re wrong, I season my food so hard. I put hot sauce on everything: eggs, burgers, my skin, you name it. I’ve even entered a few spicy food eating contests, and I’ve won them all. Granted, those contests were just family dinners where competing was never technically mentioned, but a victory is a victory.”
Wilson’s girlfriend Isabel Ortega confessed that she finds his obsession with spicy food a bit concerning.
“Daniel and I have been going out for about a month or so, and things have been really great. So I invited him to meet my friends for sushi,” Ortega explained. “Things were going well until our friend Kyle commented on how the spicy tuna rolls weren’t even that spicy. This set Daniel off, I guess. He shouted ‘Oh yeah? How’s this for spicy?’ and then started rubbing fistfuls of wasabi into his gums. I think Kyle felt challenged, because then he rolled up a sheet of nori and started snorting lines of wasabi off the table. Things eventually escalated into a full-on fist fight in the parking lot. My other friends and I paid the bill and left.”
One of the restaurant patrons who witnessed the altercation coincidentally happened to be acclaimed nature documentarian Sir James Kensington.
“It appeared that the two males were fighting to determine who was the alpha. Typically, we see this sort of behavior when they’re competing for the affection of a mate,” Kensington narrated in a distinctly British accent. “Brawls for dominance such as this are an age-old ritual that enforces the hierarchy of the pack. Once challenged, the rivals will continue their duel until one eventually slinks away in defeat.”
At press time, concerned sources confirmed that the two men are trying to drink the entire sauce lineup of Hot Ones at record speeds.