SMYRNA, Tenn. — Local toddler Lana Findlay was forced once again to play the parent and comfort her hysterical mom and dad following the viewing of yet another devastating Pixar movie, sources close to the family confirmed.
“Oh boy, not a anothaw one,” explained the 4-year-old through her adorable speech impediment. “Last summer when we watched Toy Story 3 I was up all night with Momma and Dadda as they just cwied and cwied about Andy saying goodbye to his toys. I just don’t get the big deal. They know the toys don’t disappear when the movie’s over, right? As someone that recently mastered object permanence, I twied to explain that to them, but they kept sobbing.”
Lana’s mom Carys Findlay offered her adult perspective on the 3D animated films.
“It’s nice that there’s sophisticated kid’s entertainment nowadays, unlike the low-rent Hulk Hogan vehicles and glorified toy commercials of my childhood. But our Lana is too young to get the deep emotional wounds these movies reopen. For her, ‘Inside Out’ is just funny, talking inanimate objects and bright, flashing colors. For me and my husband it’s existential dread, mental illness, and reminders of our mortality,” said the young child’s mother. “I just hope she can hang onto his innocence for as long as she can. I’ll never forget the exact moment I ‘grew up,’ when Artax died in ‘The Never Ending Story.’ That was the day I gave up my dreams of owning a horse farm and instead started emulating Brenda from ‘90210’ like every other dead inside Millennial tween.”
But while most view Pixar films as innocent animated trauma, an anonymous source recently revealed the ‘truth’ behind the film studio.
“An internal memo that only the most senior execs, as well as certain members of the Bilderberg secret society, have seen dictates that every Disney and Pixar movie must include enough fucked up shit to emotionally destroy parents, creating voids in their souls that can only be filled with landfill fodder like toys and DVDs, as well as $16 Mickey-shaped ice cream sandwiches at Disney World,” explained the whistleblower. “You don’t get it, man. This shit goes all the way to the top. Walt’s frozen head still dictates the content of the movies. And it started with that horrifying donkey seen from ‘Pinnochio.’”
At press time, Disney and Pixar announced their latest, family-friendly film entitled “Series of lovable, wide-eyed Senior Dogs Being Put to Sleep.”