LOS ANGELES — Activision announced that the remake of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3+4 will include a new playable character named Matt Fresh, who doesn’t know how to skate but still thinks he’s better than Elissa Steamer, confirmed sources.
“Initially, Matt wasn’t gonna be a playable character. He was gonna be a new NPC that just gets in the players’ way, similar to Officer Dick,” said game developer Carl Davids. “But when plans for Matt were leaked, the public demanded he be playable, so we made sure he was as realistic as possible. He can flat-ground ollie on every fifth try, and he supposedly can almost kickflip. He also wants every skate session to end way earlier than anyone else does. We wanted to make sure this character was a modern version of this archetype. In the ‘90s, Elissa Steamer was one of the only famous pro skateboarders who was a woman. That’s no longer the case. So Matt doesn’t just think he’s better than her. He thinks he’s better than all of the female, trans, queer, or non-binary skaters. He also thinks he’s better than any skater he just assumes is gay, which is all of them besides Tony Hawk.”
Local amateur skater Will Nelson couldn’t be more excited for the release.
“Matt is by far the most realistic character in the game,” said Nelson. “Sure, the other characters are literally based on real skaters, but Matt is REAL real. He has a Hook-Ups deck with some super explicit Hentai stuff on, which he rarely actually rides, and he’s always complaining about the spot not being good. His special move is to stand around and say things like ‘I’m just not feeling it today’ or ‘I would, but the angle is off, and also my trucks are too loose and my knee is kinda stiff.’ I mean, I’ve literally met this guy.”
Jessica Younoussi, writer for The Athletic, says while Matt is one of the first playable characters of his kind, there’s a reason he’s so popular in certain groups.
“Matt represents a small but vocal community: Men who can’t, but are pretty sure they could. Whether it’s being convinced they could dunk on Paige Bueckers despite not even being able to dunk, or ‘knowing’ they could score a goal against the entire USWNT, while not actually knowing the rules of soccer. These men feel that they personally deserve to be in the spots that women are in, while doing none of the work to get there. And despite its counterculture history, skateboarding is no different.”
As of press time, several new buyable add-ons for the character had been announced, such as a signature skate shoe Matt refuses to scuff up and a special move where he never brings a woman to orgasm.