COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. – Federal Fish and Wildlife Service officials warned today that thousands of homes and tens of thousands of acres of protected parkland are in danger as an out of control farmer’s market continues to spread east.
What began as a relaxing, Sunday farmer’s market has since turned into a raging torrent of expensive jams and aggressive, over-educated sweetcorn vendors.
“More booths keep popping up — we thought we had this contained. This is a disaster,” said city official Mindy Mendoza. “If you make your own hot sauce or grow your own hops for microbrewing, please, please stay home. And for the love of God, do not leave your homes looking for hypoallergenic, ethically sourced local honey.”
Early reports indicate hundreds of people are already trapped inside the market, including local chef Julia Chan, who has been missing for three days. “The last thing I heard from her was a text that said, ‘Mmmm chevre,’” said David Chan, Julia’s husband. “Look, I know it is important to know where your food comes from, but these things need to be regulated. They need to do more controlled farmer’s markets to prevent these blow ups.”
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Residents in the path of the market are advised to seek shelter at local malls or big box stores as farmer’s markets tend to avoid places with air conditioning and low prices. Those choosing to ignore the alerts and ride it out are pressed to look for warning signs. “If you’re in the path of a farmer’s market, you’re going to hear lousy acoustic music or maybe a compilation album called ‘Earth Sounds’ or some shit like that first,” said Sheriff Dan Timmons. “Then, you’ll want to look out for dogs off their leashes. If you begin to see slack-lines or someone offers you a free taste of artisanal salsa, it might be too late.”
The farmer’s market is expected to grow even larger this week, fed by a forecast of sunshine, mild temperatures and a light breeze, which officials say is perfect weather to get out of the house for a few hours and support local, organic growers by buying produce that will eventually rot on your kitchen counter while you inhale a frozen pizza.