VATICAN CITY — Teenage tourists, Ronny Brewster, 17, and his best friend James “Cobra” Mooreston, 16, inadvertently elected a new Pope after getting caught vaping by a dumpster behind the Sistine Chapel, Vatican officials confirmed.
“I snagged this watermelon-flavored vape juice from a street vendor, and I don’t know man, something about vaping in Italy just tastes better. Like how vaping is meant to be. Me and Cobra were just minding our own business, blowing some dope clouds, when all of a sudden bells started ringing and a we could hear a crowd start cheering,” said Brewster. “I was like ‘What the fuck is going on man?’ and then I felt bad for swearing by Jesus’ house or whatever. Turns out we kind of elected the new Supreme Pontiff or whatever. A bunch of weird looking dudes in dumb hats looked pretty pissed.”
One onlooker, Meghan Hearst, a lifelong Catholic, was brought to tears when she saw the giant vape cloud.
“It’s surprising that they elected a Pope so quickly, and from behind the Basilica instead of the normal locale. I was also taken aback by how good the smoke smelled. It sort of reminded me of how the milk tastes after you eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but that was probably one of the reforms Pope Francis put in place. He was the Pope of the people and would want the best-smelling smoke possible,” said Hearst. “I’m just happy I was able to be a part of such a beautiful tradition, and nobody can take that away from me.”
Cardinal Berzolli, one of the members of the Papal election committee, fears the vape smoke might have triggered a binding choice.
“It’s an unfortunately antiquated rule in Papal Doctrine that allows two teens who are getting high behind the Vatican to elect the next Pope, but who am I to question the word of God?” said Cardinal Berzolli. “The rules clearly state that whoever is being discussed when the white smoke billows over the basilica will be the next Pope. We just so happened to be taking a lunch break and were debating who makes the best calzone in Vatican City. So I officially decree that Sal Villatozo of Salvadores Casa del Formaggio is the new Vicar of Jesus Christ.”
At press time, the new Pope is expected to address throngs of faithful in St. Peter’s Square as soon as the lunch rush is over.