PORTLAND, Maine — Support for local man Kevin Davidson is reportedly waning amongst friends as they slowly realize his recovery bolstered his social status and helped tone his physique beyond their comfort level, bitter sources confirmed.
“I owe it all to my friends. Two years ago, I was depressed and drunkenly stumbling around my dingy apartment. Just a blob of a man, really. But they were always there for advice. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen any of them since that one shirts versus skins pickup basketball game over the summer. Not sure why,” remembered Davidson with a slight pause. “And hey, look at me now! I’m happy. I have a girlfriend. And I’m shredded! Everything is so much better except for the fact that all my friends seemed to change their phone numbers at the same time because they haven’t responded to any of my texts recently.”
Gavin Wilkinson, a close friend of Davidson’s, is also starting to miss those days.
“I remember back when I used to visit his dark apartment and give him pep talks. I’d say stuff like, ‘hey, maybe one day you can have a great apartment like mine!’ or ‘you’ll find a nice girl!'” remembered Wilkinson. “And, well… goddamn, he really did. Like tenfold. He completely turned his life around. He bought an amazing house all on his own. His girlfriend was my high school crush. And, god, that six-pack. The guy doesn’t even exercise. Your body must naturally form a defined torso when you give up drugs and alcohol.”
Adaline Bowers is a counselor who has worked in rehab facilities since her own recovery.
“Who doesn’t love a schlubby troubled friend that makes you feel good about yourself? Someone that makes you feel like you have your shit together. You’re the guru that gets to say things like ‘maybe don’t drink before noon,'” said Bowers. “But you run into trouble if they ever actually listen. Suddenly your ‘friend’ is living their best life, and you’re forced to look in the mirror. You wonder, ‘was I ever really filled with wisdom?” They say comparison is the thief of joy. But it’s also the lonely pillar of one-sided condescending-advice-based friendships.”
An eyewitness later reported seeing Davidson thanking a vegetarian friend for encouraging him to go veggie initially and asking if they ever thought about going vegan like him.