Study: Growing Number of Americans Need To Shut the Fuck Up About Protein

DENVER — A new study released by The Reticence Foundation found that growing numbers of Americans need to shut the fuck up about protein.

“Protein loading was once reserved for competitive bodybuilders and people recovering from a major illness, and those people would typically only share their macronutrient intake with their trainers or doctors. But, sadly, our results confirm that protein mania has spread to social media and the general public,” said lead researcher Dr. Herbert Avore. “Almost half of Americans ages 18-64 seem to fervently believe that they not only need to supercharge the amount of protein they consume, but that the people they encounter throughout their day are one meal prep anecdote away from becoming deeply invested in their blathering on and on about squeezing extra protein powder into their diets. When we tried to end our focus group sessions, subjects with the most acute protein fixations ignored our directives to shut the fuck up already and go home. Even as security escorted them out, they continued yapping about using Greek yogurt as coffee creamer or replacing conventional condiments with beef paste. These people are pitiful! Not to mention extremely fiber-deficient.”

Podcaster and pro-protein influencer Terrance “T-Bone” Bonnera questioned the findings.

“I got busy making a few batches of my organic creatine and flaxseed gummies this weekend so I only got to skim the study’s abstract, but what struck me was how it was so doom and gloom. I mean, what’s wrong with consuming 300 grams of protein for every single meal?” said Bonnera. “These pencil-necked pseudo-scientists clearly have a bone to pick with red-blooded Americans who just want to inspire others to punctuate their bacon and eggs breakfast by chugging a pint of bone marrow broth.”

NYU Professor of Public Health Cassie McStoycus claimed more research is needed.

“The irritating loquaciousness of people with a protein fetish could indeed be a sign that eating so much beef jerky and cottage cheese somehow diminishes a person’s ability to recognize the social cues that should make it crystal clear that no one gives a shit how much protein you shovel into your gob,” said McStoycus. “But it’s also possible that the people most likely to develop a protein obsession are the type of twits who already lack the social graces to understand when it’s time to shut their trap.”

At press time, Bonnera urged his podcast listeners to tell everyone they know about his new recipe he calls “steak brownies.”