LIMA, Ohio — A debate over payment and use of a venue on the outskirts of Lima has reportedly been taken over by authorities from the State Scene after the investigation was initially started by the local scene, sources report.
“For this case to be properly adjudicated, it is imperative that it is done by the books and with the best resources available. That’s why the State has decided to take over this case,” a spokesperson for the State Scene said at a press conference outside Denny’s at 3 a.m. “The Lima scene is just the only guy in town who listens to the Ramones, and that weird manager from Spencer’s. They have no means or authority to make any kind of justified ruling on this case. Besides, they can bitch and moan all they want about it being the same media market, but they know damn well the incident occurred beyond the city lines. This is a jurisdictional matter, goddammit.”
Members of the Lima Scene echoed the State Scene’s statement while also expressing their frustration with the matter.
“This a gross abuse of state authority in a purely local matter, so those poser fucks at the State scene can kick rocks,” read a statement from the Lima Scene. “Furthermore, the event in question occurred in a Lima census-designated area so we’re fully within our rights to resolve the matter. Just because the State scene went to Oberlin and blew Robert Pollard once doesn’t give them any sort of additional punk cred as per amendment V to the Ohio State Punk Commission Charter. So suck on that, you power-tripping fascists.”
Zoning and Urban Planning officials also weighed in on whether the State Scene had overstepped its authority.
“I’m sorry, I have no idea what they’re talking about — the scene? These aren’t actual government bodies recognized by the state, are they?” stated Dr. Steve Bishop, head of the state zoning board. “I really work on city/state matters and admittedly I’m not much of a music guy, so I don’t think I could even really offer an opinion on this. Couldn’t they all just work together or something?”
At press time, authorities from the federal scene had arrived from Washington, DC to take charge of the investigation.
Photo by Jana Miller.