NILES, Calif. — Beloved local brewery Skunk River Craft Brew Co. received a substantial fine for failure to comply with government ordinances requiring cornhole, the popular recreational lawn game, remain available in any outdoor area.
“It’s ridiculous. It feels like we’re being targeted,” lamented Skull River owner and master brewer Forest P. Liffengren. “We tried cornhole when we opened but too many adults were getting into screaming matches with kids over the score. Plus, we had to make room to brew our seasonal Lazy Hazy Sloppy Hoppy Double IPA,” Liffengren said while waxing his mustache. “Now I have no choice but to send employees next door to an abandoned warehouse, full of squatters and broken glass, just to retrieve beanbags that went over the chain link fence. Next they’re gonna tell me I need to provide health insurance or some other bullshit.”
The decision to enforce the fine was made by Ned Bulanti, the Department of Public Health’s Interim Director.
“Of course we want to support brew culture, we love our small businesses. But we’re applying the same standards across the board, no exceptions, and that includes mandatory cornhole,” Bulanti shared between meetings. “The mental health benefits of cornhole are countless. State studies on foot traffic flow strongly endorse a quarantined area for drunk adults and rambunctious children. We’ve often found that a designated section of the parking lot, covered in astroturf, works best. And before you ask, although the cornhole industry is a significant job-creating presence in our state, I can assure you: Big Cornhole was not an influence here.”
Prolific cornhole expert and New York Times bestseller Dr. Lauren Menconi of Stanford University agrees with the issued fine.
“Not offering cornhole is a public disservice. If it were me, I would’ve doubled the fine. Tripled it. Shut them down, make them an example. Cornhole is an American right,” Menconi shared, casually tossing beanbags down a hole carved into the desk of her Palo Alto office. “How else will you get light physical activity after sampling a flight of lagers, or downing late lunches from overpriced food trucks? Not to mention the importance of practicing hand-eye coordination. Most of these people driving home are completely smashed of some 9.8% sour bullshit.”
At press time, Bulanti announced a controversial flannel dress code and dog requirement, both to go into effect next year.