CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local wife and generally good sport Lezlie Colon spent several hours last night convincing her husband David that his small business, Seasonal Expressions, is actually a “good size” business, according to sources who probably say that to everyone.
“David has been worried about the size of his business since it opened, and I always try to reassure him that it’s a perfectly good size and not even that much smaller than most businesses in that little mini-mall thing he’s located in,” Lezlie stated. “I think he’s just insecure because my ex-husband’s car wash business was fucking enormous — like, 12 locations in the tri-state area. There were some mornings when I couldn’t even walk right from standing on my feet so long tearing tickets the night before. But he needs to trust that I love him, even though there is no way in hell Seasonal Expressions could ever compare.”
While appreciative of the generous praise, the retail owner in question knows what he’s working with, and is doing his best despite his below-average status.
“I know that my business may be small in comparison to other businesses, but I am definitely willing and able to do things that those other guys would never even consider. Like free shipping on any order: no minimum purchase, no games,” David said. “I just hope I can keep Lezlie satisfied… I get worried when I see her browsing some of the big online retailers. I know I can’t measure up to those guys, their dividends are fucking huge. I just hope she understands those businesses don’t have the same focus on customer service.”
Business experts confirmed that self-consciousness is a common experience among small business owners.
“The lack of confidence Mr. Colon is feeling is not unusual, although entirely unnecessary,” assured Professor of Business Analytics, Dr. Charlene Campbell. “Everyone knows it’s not even the size of the business that matters, it’s whether you know how to use it, and it seems Mr. Colon definitely does. His store already sponsors two local pee wee football teams, and the PTO his employees earn starts accruing immediately, which is pretty much unheard of for a company with less than 10 people.”
“Micro enterprises are perfectly natural, and many people who have them go on to lead happy and fulfilling lives,” she added. “Some people even prefer a smaller business for the extra effort their owners put in — unlike those cocky chain stores who act like they don’t even care.”
At press time, the Colons were fighting over the fact that David hasn’t gone down on Lezlie since just after their wedding night.