MINNEAPOLIS — The appearance of an unremarkable cloud in the sky enraged pedestrians in Uptown, prompting a police response in a part of the city known for its music venues, sources confirmed.
“I was in line for a Roadkill Sushi show outside the Apocalypse Room this morning, since the city is condemning it in the afternoon. I accidentally looked up at the sky—I usually try not to—and there it was: the shittiest cloud I’ve ever seen in my life. Just a fuckin’ prolapse of meteorology. It didn’t even try to look like an animal or nothing—not even the easy ones like a worm or a dino nugget. It was the only cloud in the sky, so anyone who wanted a cloud to look at had to look at this one. I was so mad, I punched a guy. He pulled a gun, but then I showed him the cloud, and he said he understood,” said Leo Chmura, who has 22 years of amateur cloud observation experience. “I ate the caps I brought for the show, thinking they’d make the cloud more interesting to look at. Nope. Next thing I know, I think I’m in the pit with Roadkill Sushi, but I’m still on the street and there’s puddles of hair and blood and teeth everywhere. People went cloud crazy!”
The cloud also attracted attention from observers in the sky.
“I dropped the airplane 10,000 feet to get a better look at this thing,” said Ellie Lag, captain of a commercial airliner. “I thought to myself, ‘This has to be a UFO. No cloud is that shitty.’ I’ve seen millions of clouds, many of them beautiful. Not this one. If I hadn’t spent all my weather-modifying spray on that last hurricane, I would’ve chemtrailed a tornado to rip up that cloud as a ‘fuck you.’ It deserved it. I expect this sort of behavior in a nimbostratus cloud, but not a cumulus.”
Dr. Autumn Jesien, a climatologist for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), confirmed the shitty cloud printed on radar.
“Unfortunately, climate change is accelerating the shittification of clouds. Pleasing shapes like eagles, faces, religious symbols, and the Phillie Phanatic are nearly extinct,” Dr. Jesien said. “However, elephant clouds should return to that part of Minneapolis after the Apocalypse Room shuts down. The ozone layer can finally heal the hole in it caused by all the cigarette smoke.”
As of press time, the cloud successfully morphed into Glenn Danzig and left the area.