STANFORD, Calif. — Researchers at Stanford University made a shocking discovery and no longer recommend taking mental health walks due to the high chance current renters will see houses that they’ll never be able to afford, multiple depressed sources confirmed.
“Yep, walking used to help. But our study revealed that these jaunts led to people realizing they will never afford their own home and will be stuck in the same one-bedroom apartment forever,” said lead researcher Megan Tumwater. “It’s something about how walks used to mean nature and fresh air, but now, when millennials see houses, they just burst into tears. We’re calling it ‘masochistic window shopping.’ The sad truth is that while depression rates have continued to climb, housing costs have gotten even higher. I’d comment more on the interconnectedness of these issues but the university supervisors have only hypothesized that ‘maybe if they weren’t so lazy they could afford a $100,000 down payment.’ My supervisors are all boomers who own multiple homes.”
Millennials, as well as some Gen Xers who fumbled the bag when they had a chance, are reacting to this news with mixed emotions.
“If you can believe it, I used to actually like seeing the pretty houses in my neighborhood. It was kind of aspirational,” said 34-year-old engineer Eric Del Rosso. “But now that it’s clear I’ll be stuck sleeping in shifts in a studio I share with five other people and three dogs for the rest of my life despite working 50 hours in a highly skilled trade, I just can’t stomach my little midday stroll. You can only see so many five-million dollar one-story homes while on your lunch break without it making you want to take a mental health nap in the fetal position.”
Well-being professionals are now scrambling to adjust best practices accordingly.
“One might try walking in circles in their apartment, though if the square footage is under 500 this may cause dizziness,” said Sandra Clark, a licensed clinical social worker with 1 million subscribers on YouTube. “In such cases, you might drive to a, ah, less desirable part of town for a walk. But even those may have houses you’ll never afford because the cheapest houses on the market are currently $800,000, so use discretion. Like and subscribe.”
With this groundbreaking discovery as a jumping-off point, researchers are now looking into the strange link between depression, having eyes, and merely existing in the world.