GAITHERSBURG, Md. — A report released by the National Education Association on school preparedness found that U.S. teachers were exponentially more likely to have a nervous breakdown over the sight of “back to school” ads than their students, the organization has confirmed.
“The report was supposed to be about how much educators and families were spending on school supplies but every teacher we presented with a ‘back to school’ flyer from a retail store dropped to the floor and threw a temper tantrum. It turns out they don’t want to go back to the classroom even more than the children,” said NEA rep Helene Thompkins. “Our study found, even after two seconds of exposure, teachers were eight times more likely than students to experience panic attacks, bargaining for more time off, or calling in bomb threats to Target demanding they take down their displays.”
Teachers who participated in the study made it clear that any ad celebrating the upcoming school year would be met with hostility.
“Are they trying to fuck with us? I haven’t even got my first paycheck from my second summer job, there’s no way I’m ready to go back, man. I just turned in final grades, why won’t big box stores leave us alone?” said 7th grade history teacher Oliver Vail. “These stores need to be more aware of how triggering their signs are. I don’t care how much of a ‘discount’ they’re offering teachers, it doesn’t change that we can’t enjoy summer for two fucking seconds before being forced to buy our own supplies to teach kids who don’t want to learn.”
PTA groups across the country acknowledged a growing shortage of mentally healthy teachers.
“We are well aware these stores are pushing back to school sales earlier each year based on how much our kids complain, but this report has us concerned these psychotic breakdowns over pencil sales will lead to overcrowded classrooms. I mean do these schools really expect us to carry the burden of buying our children’s supplies two weeks after the last day of class?” said PTA president Kelly Smith. “We ran into my children’s English teacher in Walmart, and she started having some sort of flashback and demanded we prove my son didn’t use AI to write his paper and began burning all the kids’ clothing.”
The report also found that teachers were equally triggered by “back to college” sales because it reminded them of a time in their lives when they were young and still had hope.