SAN FRANCISCO — Pornhub saw a drastic spike in searches for “groups of more than 10 people” this quarter, the result of a new but wildly popular genre of pornography in which 11 people or more crowd into a single room with complete disregard for personal space, company representatives confirmed.
“It’s shocking. This genre of porn can be pretty niche, but right now it’s what everyone is clamoring for: our analytics show most viewers stop watching before the fucking even begins. I guess they just want to remember what it was like to be in a group with a common goal,” said Jake Switzer, a data analyst for Pornhub. “I haven’t seen anything like it since the aftermath of the Democratic debates — it was all ‘Mike Bloomberg cuck fest’ for weeks. I can only hope things get back to normal soon, because honestly, seeing what grabs the highest ratings week to week is the best part of my job.”
Experts say the trend has brought changes to the typical porn consumer lifestyle.
“I’m attuned to the cutting edge of what Pornhub has to offer, and right now it’s all about group sex. The more the merrier, as they say,” said Mike Todesky, a self-appointed Pornhub critic. “Every news update that mentions the virus makes me anxious, and my only release is 30-40 dudes wearing work boots and no pants and just going to town. I used to have a solid six-or-higher standard when it comes to pornstars, but I’m so goddamn lonely these days, I’ll watch any old dogs experience the closeness of sharing space with other human beings. ”
White House coronavirus expert Dr. Anthony Fauci clarified in a press briefing that while exploring fantasies of crowd-forming is a normal and healthy response to the growing crisis, it should not be replicated off-screen.
“Much to our collective chagrin, ‘people packing’ parties like these are still off-limits for at least another month,” said Dr. Fauci. “There remains a good chance that asymptomatic people could be exposing other gangbang participants to the coronavirus, which would result in an unbearable strain on our healthcare system, great loss of life, and devastating economic collapse. So stick to porn, and if you need some recommendations, hit me up on Twitter and I’ll share some of my favorite scenes.”
Pornographers are preparing for the most likely shift in consumption by soliciting security camera footage of Black Friday shoppers from department stores, malls, and other retailers.